I don't really know what boundaries to set. I can try the no name or anything to do with him in the house one but then I'm struggling. For example I don't know if she's with him this weekend as she hasn't said. All she has said is that she'll be back an hour after I've gone.
I can't say don't see him as she'll just repeat her it's over mantras. As far as she is concerned she has ended it, has moved on and started another R, and now it's up to me to get over it.
This has been a really bad day for me. Every 20-30 mins I think about them together and think if the expIicit sexual references in the valentines card: bitey, wanton and more. And every time it dies my head in and it takes all my effort to stop thinking or crying. I didn't manage it every time: far from it.
It's my mums birthday next week and a bunch of family members and my boys went out to celebrate. All I could think of was she should be here not with him. I did it enjoy it. I feel so low today. Even when we went to see a film in the evening was a failure as it was a 15 and I forgot S12 isn't allowed.
I feel a little calmer now ... But old dog tired. I must only have got 3 hours sleep last night. I've been yawning all day.
And ... I feel like such a misery guts and it's horrible.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
I can't say don't see him as she'll just repeat her it's over mantras. As far as she is concerned she has ended it, has moved on and started another R, and now it's up to me to get over it.
Umm.... would the state say "it's over" ????
She's married. She can parse it however she wants but there it is. Until she ACTUALLY ends the marriage, it's not over.
SO.
Do you like how she's treating you?
What are you able to change?
I totally disagree with her that she's keeping the boys' best interests at heart. Is this what she'd like for them to endure as adults? Is this what you'd want for them?
What can YOU do to mitigate the way she's treating you? How can you protect yourself from all this?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Hi OD - well I think not having cards from him on the bedside table would be one boundary! That she has left those there has caused you a great deal of pain, and presumably you would not want that to happen again. What if S12 or S15 had seen those? Not appropriate IMHO.
The same would apply to any gifts or tokens from him. You may feel it is unreasonable for her to be 'openly' conducting a R with someone else and for this to be evident to your sons...
What about funds, and using those funds for things related to OM? Do you only have a joint account or does your W have her own funds?
Your W may feel that 'it is over' and you should 'get over it' - but the fact remains that you are still M and are still sharing a marital bed at this point, so your W's perspective on things may be optimistic to say the least.
There may be other boundaries you may want to consider. Do feel able to continue sleeping in the marital bed, or for your W to continue to sleep in the bed with you given what you know?
Only you know what you can tolerate OD - but I think you should put the emphasis firmly on protecting you and your boys from her current waywardness.
Seeing those cards must have been awful OD, and I really do feel for you. Try and remember that it is all just sexualised (and frankly rather banal). Your W is very unlikely to have found her soulmate, and it is likely that things will sour at some point. How soon we don't know. It is also likely that at some point in the future, your W may come to feel that she has made the biggest mistake of her life in what she is doing now. None of that is here yet - but in all likelihood that is what is on the way OD.
((OD))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I can't say don't see him as she'll just repeat her it's over mantras. As far as she is concerned she has ended it, has moved on and started another R, and now it's up to me to get over it.
Umm.... would the state say "it's over" ????
No, the state wouldn't, but it's only a piece of paper - like the marriage certificate itself if you choose to see it that way.
Originally Posted By: Maybell
She's married. She can parse it however she wants but there it is. Until she ACTUALLY ends the marriage, it's not over.
SO.
Do you like how she's treating you?
I don't think I need answer that :-)
Originally Posted By: Maybell
What are you able to change?
Only me for sure, but I have my doubts about that too.
Originally Posted By: Maybell
I totally disagree with her that she's keeping the boys' best interests at heart. Is this what she'd like for them to endure as adults? Is this what you'd want for them?
Me too. She wants me to be a role model for the boys by being adult about this, but what kind of role model is she?
Originally Posted By: Maybell
What can YOU do to mitigate the way she's treating you? How can you protect yourself from all this?
Set boundaries, but I have difficulty wondering what boundaries to set that will help me and I can enforce.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Old Dog, boundaries are there to stop you feeling like sh*t. Right now you are feeling like sh*t because your W is stepping over the line. So what would need to change for that to not to be the case? She's not going to give up OM (yet) but you can insist that she not rub it in your face, for example. You can insist that she not sleep in the same bed as you.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Hi OD - well I think not having cards from him on the bedside table would be one boundary! That she has left those there has caused you a great deal of pain, and presumably you would not want that to happen again. What if S12 or S15 had seen those? Not appropriate IMHO.
Just to be clear, the cards were in a brown A4 envelope slotted between the wall and the bedside table. As soon as I went in the room I clocked it as different and snooped but the kids wouldn't have opened it. they were still there though, in our bedroom.
The same would apply to any gifts or tokens from him. You may feel it is unreasonable for her to be 'openly' conducting a R with someone else and for this to be evident to your sons...
I'm sure there'll also be a gift somewhere as well but I'd rather not find it as it's probably something like lingerie which she would never wear for me except under duress. A solid gone passion killer eh?
What about funds, and using those funds for things related to OM? Do you only have a joint account or does your W have her own funds?
We each have separate accounts and a joint account for the family/house. She does not use the joint accont for anything OM related. I questioned an item the other day saying she's not to do that and she got affronted and said she never would. I do believe her on this.
Your W may feel that 'it is over' and you should 'get over it' - but the fact remains that you are still M and are still sharing a marital bed at this point, so your W's perspective on things may be optimistic to say the least.
Yes, she gets frustrated that I'm not over it and acting 'adult'.
There may be other boundaries you may want to consider. Do feel able to continue sleeping in the marital bed, or for your W to continue to sleep in the bed with you given what you know?
Sleep? What's that? I just don't know. Sometimes I think I can bear it and DB and other times I lie awake for hours like last night. I guess last night was day one of knowing the full extent though and it will get eaasier.
Only you know what you can tolerate OD - but I think you should put the emphasis firmly on protecting you and your boys from her current waywardness.
Seeing those cards must have been awful OD, and I really do feel for you. Try and remember that it is all just sexualised (and frankly rather banal). Your W is very unlikely to have found her soulmate, and it is likely that things will sour at some point. How soon we don't know. It is also likely that at some point in the future, your W may come to feel that she has made the biggest mistake of her life in what she is doing now. None of that is here yet - but in all likelihood that is what is on the way OD.
I do fear for my marriage greatly though. The OM is not just anyone, he is her ex boss whom she liked and shared exasperation with at other colleagues when they worked together.
Oue sex life had become boring as she withdrew steadily over the past few years. She often had an infection and it became a chore for her to endure before going to sleep. It seems like thay're now having a great deal of racy fun that we used to have before the kids. This is really difficult to bear as my primary LL is physical touch.
((OD))
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Old Dog, boundaries are there to stop you feeling like sh*t. Right now you are feeling like sh*t because your W is stepping over the line. So what would need to change for that to not to be the case? She's not going to give up OM (yet) but you can insist that she not rub it in your face, for example. You can insist that she not sleep in the same bed as you.
Can I? How do I enforce that if she says no?
Won't it end with me on the sofa because she refuses to get out and I have to take a stand?
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Fairly early in my time here I mocked the idea that my STBX didn't love me. I *knew* that he did and that our marriage was meant to endure.
Cadet stepped in and said one thing:
Your husband doesn't love you.
That hurt like he!!. But I needed to hear it.
Old Dog, I'm sorry. Your marriage is over.
Do you really think she could say, "Oh, man, I was so wrong. Let's fix this," and that you'd be able to? Honestly? What do you think it'd be like if she DID start to come around? Imagine it for a minute.
Now, conduct yourself like you BELIEVE her mantra that it's over. DO THAT. Even without regard to what that does for your own well-being, it does show her that you respect her opinion and that you aren't going to go wagging behind her like a (pardon me) dog who hopes he won't be kicked again.
In order to have the hope of a chance to build a new fresh marriage you are going to have show her that you believe her and let her walk away. Do what you need to do to be healthy given that the circumstances ARE WHAT THEY ARE.
This is NO FUN AT ALL. It is unfair and it is wrong. YES, you deserve better. But things are what they are. Think about your situation as though you were hearing about it from a friend and consider what you would advise him to do. Then man up and go do it.
Women respect strength, OD.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I run off for a little GAL activity and all heck breaks loose on your thread
I think everyone is saying the same thing and saying it well. I just want to embellish a few points.
Your wife is trying to sell you a load of goods that this arrangement is "special", "adult" and a presumably civilized.
That is a load of hooey.
What's really happening is that your wife is getting away with whatever she wants - comfortable living arrangement and whatever time she wants with OM. She can tell you it's over all she wants - and it may be true for her- but when you end a relationship the "adult way", you do so with dignity, integrity and respect for the other parties feelings - you don't just expect them to eat whatever chit you are dealing out (sorry for the salty language).
Telling you its better for the boys? Ma-lar-key. Period. Full Stop. Having them stay in an environment where their father is disrespected on a daily basis by her actions, is not setting an "adult" example for them, unless she wants to raise timid creatures who let others walk all over them.
And while I have myself roused into a fit of righteous indignation - I'm just going to get a little judgy and say that as a mother, I find the idea of conducting a full blown affair while my child is facing major surgery particularly.....gross.
One last thing OD - I think most of us who have a WAS with an AP would like to see the relationship end. You know what ends those relationships? Having to deal with actual consequences.
