I have started using the term wayward when posting about a wife invoved in an A. Mainly b/c I feel that there is a major difference in the heart of a woman who does not have sights on another man and leaves the M for other reasons .....compared to the heart of one who has eyes for another man or who wants to conduct herself as though she were some wild, single girl looking for fun. It came to my attention some time back that there was some confusion, and I personally think it has to do with these two different women.
The newcomer H initially thinks his W must surely be having a MLC b/c he cannot believe what he hears and sees in her. Surely something has fell on her that is the "cause" of all this terrible behavior and attitude. From all the posts I have read since 2007, I am convinced there have been extremely few who really "get" the ugliness that is born in that cold, empty, place inside the woman who suddenly crosses the line into a state of waywardness. She is lost to her new found feelings, which are all based on what is wrong. Wrong feelings, wrong facts, wrong truths, wrong dreams, wrong people, wrong standards.......everything is just wrong.
I may have a bit of a different take from the majority on the board, when dealing with a WAW who is not in an A, compared to how to deal with a WAW who has some other man (real or imaginary) in her head. A wife in any kind of A becomes wayward, IMO. Therefore, the H's response to those actions should be a much tougher love comparable to a W who is not in an A. When the H is dealing with a wayward wife, successful DBing is at least a three-fold process. However, at the moment, I would like to refer to what I believe are the first two parts of DBing a WW.
First, the H has to see his own part of the downfall in the MR and work very hard to improve himself as a man. Notice, I said "man" and not H. The reason I said that is b/c the M is past the point of him showing her what an improved husband he can be. She is not interested in him as her H. If he now starts trying to implement all the things he sees he should have done in the past, it will hurt his effectiveness in getting this stitch turned around. For the WW, it is much too late, and she no longer cares about you doing those things. Based on what most newcomer LBH'S say, they think spending more time with the kids, showering the W with more attention, doing the housework, cooking, and running her errands (basically catering to her) will do the trick. A H should never do everything and leave her with no responsibilities, and certainly not at this point in the broken M with a wayward.
That leads me to the second part. As the rejected party, the H cannot enable her in this terrible, disrespectful behavior. Every time he does, it will set him back. Before he can show her what a wonderful & improved H he wants to be, he has to prove what kind of man he is. All of this still comes under the heading of DBing. His first objective should be to gain back her respect and attraction. She can't love him if she doesn't respect him, and won't desire him if she's not attracted.
She have already displayed her willfulness in continuing this A at any cost, so he has his work cut out for him. He can do it, and it has been done by others. I can not recall a case where the H saved the M and really "got his W back" by supplicating, appeasing, and any doormat methods he mistakenly thought was DBing. That is not the way to get the respect from a WW. She is tough, and the H has to be tougher.
Many men get more focused on the OM instead of the WW. They think if OM was out of the picture things could be fixed. Problem is that it's the WW.......not OM. She is what's standing in the way right now. It's true that the MR cannot go forward as long as she has this OM in her head, but just b/c an A ends doesn't always mean the M problems are over. Many women still make the decision to end the M, after the A........b/c the real problem started long before the A.
Here are just a few things (in no particular order) I hope will help gain better insight about a WW:
*She is not the girl you married. She no longer feels the same and won't act the same. *No matter what her values and spiritual beliefs have been in the past, and regardless of the high standard of morals she held, they have temporarily vanished. For how, nobody knows. *She does not want to be fixed. Nobody can fix her, especially you. *She is in complete rebellion, and will defy you when you make demands, threats or give ultimatums. *Her heart has turned cold and selfish. All she thinks about is what makes her feel good at the moment. *You cannot change her mind, influence, convince, or sway her by talk. *Her brain has lost all capacity to use logic. Therefore, you cannot reason with her. *She is addicted to the high she gets from the A. She will do most anything to get her "fix" again. *She cannot be trusted as long as she is wayward, and until she goes through the complete withdrawal stage from OM/A. *She will cake eat whenever it suits her......if you allow it. *She wants the best part of the M and the A. She gets the H for security and OM for her emotional needs. *She will bait her H, and test him. *She will give him just enough crumbs to keep him hanging on and attached. *She keeps the M/H as her plan B, in case A/OM doesn't work out. *She will be interested in H if he detaches, acts as if he is busy, happy, moving on without her, and won't give her the details when she starts asking. *Pursuit from her H only pushes her further away. *She is living in a fantasy world. She wants the dream to continue. *She will blame her H for every thing wrong in her life. His apology does not erase her resentment. She will totally rewrite their marital history. She holds on to her anger toward him b/c it fuels her negative view of the M and justifies her present actions. * Her common sense is gone and she only operates from her emotions. *She is willing to risk everything and throw everything away for her addiction when the A is at its thickest. *She sees her H as the enemy. *She has to suffer some type of loss (due to her decisions) in order to shake her from her fantasy fog. * She is on a roller coaster and will not act the same every single day. Her emotions will be up, down, and all over the place....but never on an even keel.
There is more, but I hope this will better prepare, if possible, the newcomer. Most everyone here has experienced the pain of being the LBS. I can only give you my VP from the other side. If you had known me before my A, you would have thought I was the last person (other than your mother, maybe) to do what I did. I would like to think I had a sweet and loving heart. However, everything was in place for me to be vulnerable to what happened. And once I became wayward, my heart turned very cold and selfish. It was filled by all kinds of negative feelings toward my M and my H. Those feelings had been slowly building over the years, but when I crossed the line, the fury of those feelings hit hard. Then one day I went over into a place I knew I had no business, but I felt a new thrill. I thought I was numb, until then. It was the beginning of an addiction. The month before, I would have bet my very life I would never have been involved with another man.
