Part 16 - edz, just edz

[edz]

Hi Toots

It wasnt a bad day really quite a fun time with s, we're pretty relaxed together now. Took an opportunity to reflect when we were in the park. Here we are, relaxed, father and son throwing the ball back and forth, Im in black chinos, crimson fitted top black leather jacket and shoes and 3 stone lighter with a nice tidy hairstyle. How much of that would I have imagined possible in July, for that matter pre-bd when I was in a very dark place.

Yes, I want w (or is it just someone?) in my life I do miss w and our past together but I simply dont have any power to influence her and nothing I say (well maybe that I know about thing but otherwise nothing) will be of suprise to her so right now, this is it, the best I can do and just focus on me.

Shifting things up? Mmmm, maybe. I know Im at a crossroads, we're at a crossroads. Both feature me continuing to develop and find not just myself but also what I want to be *next* one is with w one is not and may be with someone new further along the road. I suppose Im a little impatient for w to be forthright on whether these noises she's made of wanting to see where things can go together or whether, despite her comments this week to the contrary, she's just stalling while she works out thing. I honestly dont know.

Yoga I havent ruled out, saw some details when s and I went swimming seems low impact and providing I can get a learners class dont see why not. Only aqua class near me is 60+ so probably not sadly.

I think I sway between anticipation, excitement and dread depending on what w is telling me at the time. Its important that none of them leave me shattered anymore. I'm more afraid at the thought of inaction or stagnating and thats probably whats leading to this impatience and slight anger at the thought w may be playing me (I'm hoping she isnt but certain things lead me to believe Im not getting the full story - but then who does in or out of a relationship?)

I'll be about Toots, just a max of 4 or 5 posts a day instead of the 15+ an hour probably less frantic too, think I need to be done with the frenzy of mind that was starting to grip me. Some days I may be away from the forum but I'll do my best to check in especially on the big stuff.