Old dog seeks new trick 10

[Old Dog]

Hi OD - well I think not having cards from him on the bedside table would be one boundary! That she has left those there has caused you a great deal of pain, and presumably you would not want that to happen again. What if S12 or S15 had seen those? Not appropriate IMHO.

Just to be clear, the cards were in a brown A4 envelope slotted between the wall and the bedside table. As soon as I went in the room I clocked it as different and snooped but the kids wouldn't have opened it. they were still there though, in our bedroom.

The same would apply to any gifts or tokens from him. You may feel it is unreasonable for her to be 'openly' conducting a R with someone else and for this to be evident to your sons...

I'm sure there'll also be a gift somewhere as well but I'd rather not find it as it's probably something like lingerie which she would never wear for me except under duress. A solid gone passion killer eh?

What about funds, and using those funds for things related to OM? Do you only have a joint account or does your W have her own funds?

We each have separate accounts and a joint account for the family/house. She does not use the joint accont for anything OM related. I questioned an item the other day saying she's not to do that and she got affronted and said she never would. I do believe her on this.

Your W may feel that 'it is over' and you should 'get over it' - but the fact remains that you are still M and are still sharing a marital bed at this point, so your W's perspective on things may be optimistic to say the least.

Yes, she gets frustrated that I'm not over it and acting 'adult'.

There may be other boundaries you may want to consider. Do feel able to continue sleeping in the marital bed, or for your W to continue to sleep in the bed with you given what you know?

Sleep? What's that? I just don't know. Sometimes I think I can bear it and DB and other times I lie awake for hours like last night. I guess last night was day one of knowing the full extent though and it will get eaasier.

Only you know what you can tolerate OD - but I think you should put the emphasis firmly on protecting you and your boys from her current waywardness.

Seeing those cards must have been awful OD, and I really do feel for you. Try and remember that it is all just sexualised (and frankly rather banal). Your W is very unlikely to have found her soulmate, and it is likely that things will sour at some point. How soon we don't know. It is also likely that at some point in the future, your W may come to feel that she has made the biggest mistake of her life in what she is doing now. None of that is here yet - but in all likelihood that is what is on the way OD.

I do fear for my marriage greatly though. The OM is not just anyone, he is her ex boss whom she liked and shared exasperation with at other colleagues when they worked together.

Oue sex life had become boring as she withdrew steadily over the past few years. She often had an infection and it became a chore for her to endure before going to sleep. It seems like thay're now having a great deal of racy fun that we used to have before the kids. This is really difficult to bear as my primary LL is physical touch.

((OD))