Alpha and WAW - part 2

[alpha99]

OK guys, I guess the threads lock themselves after around 100 posts, right? Either way I'm no longer able to post in the old one so here is a brand new shiny thread continuing on from where I left off.

So today I took D5 to ballet. Afterwards I took S6 and D5 to the fair. We went on a few arcade games in the 'funland', played football in the park, went to McDonalds, walked around the shops, and had an all round good time. The kids loved it. The both fell asleep in the car on the way back.

First thread

Upon taking them back, my S rushed away from the car down the drive to knock on the door. We were about an hour later than I had said we would be. W opened door immediately and I could hear her asking S where had he been. As I got to the door she said, oh you've been to X then eh, because S just said so. Clearly she has been wondering where I have been with the kids all day as all I said was I was going to take them out. I hung around for a few minutes and then said goodbye to the kids. I spoke to W at the door about child care issues over the next few days as I'm suddenly a lot busier and have a few appointments etc and so won't be able to get the kids every day as has been the case this last week or two. That went fine, no disagreements. I know I've said it before but the rot has definitely stopped. So in that regard things are better than only a week or so ago by far. On the other hand, there seems to be more distance between us now than previously and although W seems curious about what I'm up to, she is not actively asking much really. I can see she is curious and little hints of that are coming out but there's no overwhelming sense that she wants to know what I'm up to all the time or that it's driving her crazy etc not knowing...at least not yet anyway. She did say the other day when I gave her a (uninvited) lift to the school that she didn't believe I was doing all these things because previously my friends never really did much and I only went out now and again, once in a blue moon, but suddenly I'm busy 3,4,5 times a week.

So, here's the funny thing. I won't bother dressing it up or anything. W's youtube account is still logged in on my mobile from a long time ago...and her emails. I noticed this today. She had used my phone in the past and somehow both are still logged in. I saw her Youtube history. In the last couple of days she has been listening to a lot of love songs, particularly Sam Smith (stay with me), Ed sheeran (thinking out loud), and 'Apoligise' by one republic. In recent months she has listened (quite unusually) to rap music a lot. Now she is listening to love songs, songs about longing etc. I don't know what to make of that. I can only guess as to whether she is listening to them simply because she likes the song and there's no other reason, she is listening and thinking of me, or she is listening and thinking of OM from her A. I of course would like the second option to be the case. She had said she didn't love OM, was only with him for sex, and that he had a pot belly and was a lot older. Of course she has lied a lot so who knows what the truth is. When I did use Whatsapp a few weeks back to contact OM she got really wound up that I had said some of the things she had told me (didn't love him, just sex etc) so go figure.

As far as emails go, she seems to have found somewhere else to rent. There was an email from a letting agent talking about paying fees etc and securing a place. I didn't bother reading through it all as I really don't want to snoop etc and I am trying to detach myself from every little thing that she does, but of course once I realised that both accounts were logged in it was inevitable that I was going to have a little peak.

So, now I'm wondering: Is W being nicer because she is moving on and less reliant on me than ever before, needing less contact, happy with her situation...or is she simply having time to reflect and although she is ploughing on ahead with the new place to rent (and also buying things to go in it), her heart is slowly softening. As I've written a few times the anger has definitely subsided. There has also been no talk for a few days of decorating and selling the house. If we have to go through her living somewhere else on her own for a few months (or longer) then I could live with that. She did say that she didn't want to be with anyone, just alone for a while. Once her A was exposed one of the things she did say was that she was confused. I was still in the pleading phase and so I was saying that she could work on things with me, all the usual stuff etc. At that time she said she didn't know, maybe she could in the future, but she would still have to rent her own place regardless, and if things did work out in the future I could move in with her. This was all said about 3 weeks or so ago now. In that time a lot has happened and she has retracted some of the earlier things she has said, although having said that a lot of what she said from last week was clearly said in anger and therefore I will take most of everything she has said with a pinch of salt.

Finally, I'm looking forward to my next DB coaching session on Tuesday. I will go over my journal and read some of the previous thread of mine to have it clear in mind what exactly has happened since the last session. I hope to get some good clear advice on what steps I can take, help identify with the use of someone else's perspective what has and hasn't been working, and focus on doing more of the things that have been working.