Masterpiece still in progress...

[Jer2911]

Had fun at dinner last night... Got home and W was asleep -- completely sacked out much earlier than she usually is. I wasn't sure what to think about that last night -- was hoping it was a sign of more depression (maybe a tiny sign that me being out last night did bother her), but today she doesn't seem tired or depressed at all.

Feeling very confused today. I keep praying for a miracle here, and while interactions with W today have been very civil, there is no change in the direction we are headed.

What I feel confusion over is that while I do hope and pray for reconciliation, I also had a lot of fun last night at dinner with my friend. Almost too much fun... Enough fun to wonder "what if..." -- but then my thoughts go towards God and I wonder why this friend would be coming in to my life right now... On an intellectual level I know that I need to just stay focused on me... The weakness in me does feel drawn to this friend and I know that I shouldn't be... And so I end up very confused... so very confused... This would all be so much easier if I could just see some tiny little signs that my W is feeling confused about her decisions, but she either isn't at all confused or she's hiding it really well... And while I do feel in my heart that God is working on our sitch and does want me to stand for my marriage, I am finding it hard to not let my thoughts drift to other possibilities... Even though I know that it is way too early for me to even consider any other possibilities because I am not in a place (emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or physically) to get involved with anyone other than my W (who clearly doesn't want me)...

I know the advice I'm going to hear from everyone here (especially Wonka) is stay the course and DO NOT give in to the temptation... to stay focused on working on myself... I know in my heart and soul that I do need to not give in... I just feel so weak right at the moment... so weak and confused...