You can't "wake" someone up. Sometimes, it takes a disaster for someone to realize what they have fully done. ie the LBS who realizes they needed to change. Or the WAS who realizes that D or A wasn't the solution they thought it would be.
Boundaries. First, familiarize yourself with the definition. Do a search on this forum or check out NMMNG. Before I get into what a consequence is, my personal experience... was that only you can define what is a boundary is. And that definition comes through self discovery on what your needs are.
I know how that sounds. I was screaming, why doesn't anyone just tell me??
To repeat... Part of the "journey" is to get to know who you are so that you can define what is important to you. What are your needs. And as a result of this, what is your boundary.
Next, you need to self discovery and overcome fear to define what a consequence is to you.
At first my boundary list sounded like this.
No more affair. Get counselling. get trust back.
And my consequence was, okay, I'm just gonna not talk to you. I'm gonna "detach".
Today, I've evolved it to this.
My boundary is that I will not be betrayed by someone whom I promised my life to.
The consequences, I will not have a life with that person. I will not have a R with this person.
In the realm of DB. We want our WAS back. But te person who has betrayed us, that is not who we want back. They need to change themselves and realize that the LBS is the one they want.
Just like LBS. The WAS doesn't want the old LBS back. Their boundary, whatever it was, was broken by the LBS and the consequence? A or D.
Both have to change. But we as LBS can only change ourselves. That is why we do 180. And when we change ourselves we hope that the WAS decides to change themselves.
