This need not be the end.

[Barry]

Hi 25years, I do appreciate your input, thanks for stopping by.

I know what you mean about the consent agreement being the only way. It's ridiculous. From what I've been told by L and what I've also looked at online, it's true. The options I have are;

1. We have an unofficial document drawn up by a L, agree on things but it will almost certainly not hold up in court if things change.
2. We have a separation agreement drawn up, agree on things but W CAN go to the courts at a later date & request changes.
3. We have the consent agreement drawn up by a L, and once agreed by the courts, this is final. It also counts for any claims made AFTER D. I didn't know that even once you're D, it is actually possible to stake a claim on any future windfalls...inheritance, lottery wins etc. The only way to have a consent agreement drawn up is to be in the process of D (you need the decree nisi to do it).

I don't want to D at all, I don't even want to be S! All I want to do is go home and be with my family again.
This is why I'm in such emotional turmoil with the whole sitch now and why I said some of the things I did to W.

When I asked my W outright as to how she saw this going in her mind, she said that she thought she could get her £10k, set up a home with it and that we would D later when we could afford to (she talked about online D's which are significantly cheaper).
She said she hadn't thought about the other financial matters (loans, Credit cards etc).

When I said that from the advice I'd had, me D'ing her would be the only way to completely protect myself legally, I asked her if that was what she wanted....to definitely D. She said "I think so, yes". Because she said "I think so", there's still a small part of me that thinks that if I could trust her enough to sign a separation agreement and not D yet, I would do that.
If it were the W I knew asking me of that level of trust, I wouldn't even think about it. She IS different now though and she's not thinking about me at all. It's a valid concern.

The benefit of a separation agreement is that we don't D yet and she could live as she wants to (w/o me) in her own place.
Maybe she needs to do that away from the marital home to really assess if she does want to D? If she decided not to and to R with me, I'd be happy to right off the money, it's not even about that.

The worrying part is that if she DOES decide she wants to D, she could then go to the courts and say she wants to change the agreement and it'll go into a big legal battle where ultimately, she's entitled to more and would get probably get it.
I could still lose everything because I couldn't afford to give her any more without selling my house.

At the moment, I'm starting to wonder if I should go with the separation agreement option and take the risk.
My head is saying not to, D her and move on. My heart is saying that if I don't want to file, don't file.

The problem with seeing it as D'ing for financial reasons is that to W, it's not that. She's told me she doesn't love me enough to be M to me now and that this is what she thinks is best for her. I'm aware that this may not always be the case.
It's really ME that's thinking about the financial aspect. I have to.

I think it's more a case that I feel more entitled to our assets than as opposed to feeling I'm more entitled to more of her life. Morally if not legally. All I want is to try to work things out.

I'd made real progress in my PMA and was feeling so much better when W agreed to have dinner with me. I DID go with no expectations, all I wanted was to spend some time with W and not to have to talk about the sitch at all which we'd agreed on in advance. When she made me this offer, it knocked me back so much. Rather than the pleasant evening it should have been, it turned into the start of the end. I'm right back where I started now, trying my best to live the way I should as per DB'ing (and which helped me before) but now I look at the books and their titles differently. How can I remedy a D, or bust one...that I'm talking about initiating!!?

I do blame her for the fact that she's now wanting to split up for good. I don't blame her entirely for the breakdown of the R, I certainly played my part in that. It's me wanting to fight for this, not me wanting to take some cash and split though.

I wont be asking W any questions about the R again. I had to say those things to her because at the moment, we're on a knife edge and things could go either way as far as D'ing now or later. I was only trying to make sure that this is what she wants because it's such a big thing to undertake. 21 years of marriage and our life together will be over (it is already) and I was just trying to see if she really wanted to go all the way on it.

When I asked her if she agreed that we'd had a good life together, it wasn't to reassure me. I know we have and in my mind, the good times far outweigh the bad. This is clearly not the case for W or she wouldn't be doing this. She only sees the last year or so rather than the whole M and forgets about all the good times. I just wanted her to think about it more.

If we do go through with this offer (via any of the options above), relatively speaking, it IS still the next best thing and I will be all of the things you mentioned in your post. Whether I feel lucky or not is a different matter.

So, what I need to decide now is which way I want to go on this. Do I trust her or not? I don't know right now.

I do need to get back to basics on this. I need to do what works I know. It's just that it worked before because I didn't have thoughts of re-mortgaging and divorce running through my mind.

I do really appreciate you coming by my thread and your continued support and advice. I'll be sure to post on what I decide to do.

If anyone has any thoughts on this, I'd welcome them.

Barry.