Susana (7) - Like a big pizza pie

[susana4]

I have never been very comfortable with limbo situations (who is?) but I let my anxiety get the better of me in many limbo situations. The last time I applied for a visa (this was before i was with H) I had a huge problem with the anxiety and my IC wasn't very helpful with it. I didn't realise how bad it was until I found myself wandering panic-stricken around unfamiliar areas of the city in the middle of the night because it was the only way I knew how to deal with the anxiety (dangerous as it was). But then I got the visa so I tucked that into the back of my mind.

Then, I had to reapply over this winter and I was in the midst of a major meltdown about my visa and job limbo when H dropped the bomb. BD distracted me from that and now it's coming back into focus and I'm left looking at my life and realising I am in limbo in several areas - my job, my visa and whether I stay in the country, my living situation. What I hate about limbo is feeling like I have no control (yes, back to my desire for control) and no choice. Knowing that I'm not happy with an aspect of my life (like my job) but am unable to change it. Maybe this is the universe's way of forcing me to become more comfortable with limbo, and lack of control. Well played, universe, well played. But not very nice.

I know I have choices, I do. But man, none of them have good consequences.