Susana (7) - Like a big pizza pie

[susana4]

Hi T, yes I suppose the people-pleasing tendencies don't help, do they?

My H seemed happy leading up to BD, although I do wonder if sometimes because I was very down and depressed about work, if I didn't see he wasn't happy because i was in a fog. But I did genuinely think he was happy, he'd just started his dream job, he seemed very happy in our M, we did lots of fun activities together and he constantly said how he was so happy with his life, so lucky, etc. I really never questioned his happiness. I had a conversation with a friend of his a week or two before the bomb, who drunkenly told me H was the happiest he'd ever seen him, and H was so happy with me, etc. etc. So his friends also seemed to think he was happy with our M. The only 'clue' I can think of is a couple of months before BD H and I were cuddling one day and he said to me "I felt really disconnected from you the last few days, did you feel it too?" And i said yes, and asked why he thought it was, and he said he wasn't sure. I wasn't either. We just felt far apart. But then 3 days later he said "I feel back to normal again, and re-connected, do you?" (And I did.) And we talked about why it had happened but neither of us were sure, and it didn't seem to matter as things felt 'normal' again, and I assumed it was just a normal period of growing apart and together again.

"I think it is a happy combination of feeling compassionate towards your WAS and being more of an 'observer' than participant in their drama." That makes sense. Not feeling much compassion atm though. I know I will be okay either way, because I was very happy in my life before H (I really loved being single), so as long as I re-connect with that I will be happy, maybe even happier. I guess what I'm not so sure about is being happy with someone else. Prior to meeting H I didn't want to be in a relationship at all, I was so happy being single. And now, I know I can enjoy being in a relationship, but I also wonder if it was all a lie - and I find myself questioning how I can be happy in any future one. I think I will just question whether they are really happy - especially if it's a male tendency not to say. But then, I have trust issues, and this whole sitch has just massively reinforced those. (I do think it must be a case of creating what you fear.) I think I will question future Mr. Susana's commitment and happiness, as well as my own ability to tell whether he's happy. I also have a fear that because I got used to living with a people pleaser, any future relationship I have will prove dissatisfactory in comparison, because they won't just go along with everything I want, and I've become accustomed to being with someone who just does whatever I want and living as I want. Logically I know that's not healthy, and I don't want someone to just lie and say they agree with me when they don't - but then I fear I've grown used to that and anyone else I end up with will just seem ornery. If that makes sense.