(((Ahoy)))...prayers for you and your D. Hope things get better.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Thank you guys! I feel good about moving forward. I don't know that happy is the right word for it, or even relieved, since I know I have more legal negotiations to get through, which are likely to be stressful. But I feel good about my decision to move on with my life.
My daughter struggles, and that makes it hard, but I was not the one to blow up the family. All I can do is love and support her as best I can and hope that she can learn and grow from the experience. And hopefully look out for herself in relationships as well.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Hi Ahoy, that's great news about your test results.
I'm not overly familiar with your sitch. I wanted to comment on this part of your post though.
Originally Posted By: Ahoy
My daughter struggles, and that makes it hard, but I was not the one to blow up the family.
Seems like a lot of anger in this statement ^^^. I understand why you are angry. Affairs are hard and they hurt. That's a horrible choice for someone to make, but it still takes two for a marriage to breakdown. It seems like you are assigning all blame to him with this statement. I may be misinterpreting your intent. Or you may just be venting which is fine. Do you think your daughter picks up on the fact that you feel this way though?
Anger is a normal part of the process. Try not to hang on to it for so long that it makes you miserable though. You will be happy again someday.
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
Hi Vanilla -- Yes, she is feeling better. Part of the issue was that she was staying up late watching YouTube (unbeknownst to me). I figured it out, and now she is getting more sleep.
Thank you, rd! This week we are signing over the car titles and hiring a realtor to sell the house. I'm selling a bunch of my stuff on Craigslist in advance of the move. Feeling good!
Thanks for chiming in, Heart. Yes, I'm angry that he has done this to our family and that my daughter is suffering. I don't think I would be human if I didn't feel that. But I don't share that with him! I keep it positive and businesslike and professional with him. If I were trying to reconcile with him, then I would probably try to bury my anger, but we are pursuing dissolution, and I am happy to be making a new life for myself without him. I don't think -- for me -- that a marriage can survive without trust, and that trust has been destroyed. I'm sad for my daughter, but I myself and quite happy to be moving on!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
PS I would like to say to all going through this: Nothing you did CAUSED your spouse to cheat. That decision was all theirs. If they were unhappy with you, they had a responsibility to speak up and not blindside you. So no, I won't be taking the blame for destroying my family. Was I a perfect wife? No -- but I was pretty darn good! No one is a perfect partner, but that does not give the other person a valid reason to cheat in my book. I supported my H through 15 years of grad school and job opportunities (sacrificing my own), just to be dumped after a diagnosis of brain tumors. So yeah, not taking the blame for this one. I always tried to do the right thing in my marriage -- even now. He wants an amicable divorce and to move on with his younger girlfriend, and I am accepting that and helping to make that happen. So be it.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I will take full responsibility for contributing to problems in the marriage, and I'm expending considerable effort in addressing those issues.
But the fact that I contributed to problems in my marriage does not make it ok for my spouse to have an affair and abruptly move out to be with the OW. That was a destructive move, particularly since, much like your situation, there was no constructive effort to fix whatever was the problem.
You know - people are flawed, people have affairs. I can't say that I ever have, but I was certainly willing to work with STBX when I first found out. I understand that he is probably in some pain. But he's an adult, who has had a lot of advantages in his life, and he knows the difference between right and wrong. If he had left simply because of the issues in the marriage, I probably would have felt more responsible. But that isn't what happened to either one of us.
