Susana (7) - Like a big pizza pie

[susana4]

I woke up in a dark place. I haven't cried so much since BD. Sorry for the rambling/rant that will follow but I'm going to try to make sense of all the thoughts in my brain.

It's been 3 months since BD, and I'm still not sure I fully understand the reasons that led to it. I don't think I ever will, and most days I stop myself thinking about it because I know it won't get me anywhere dwelling on the past. But these last few days I can't stop myself.

In the dark days following BD, I was completely broken. I spewed a lot, and H took it. He never spewed. He accepted all my spew and apologised over and over and took all the blame. In one of my darkest hours, I told him I wished I'd never met him, that our relationship had only served to enforce all our biggest fears, that we hadn't moved past those or grown because we were smack dab in front of those fears and now he wanted to run. That I'd been happy being single before I met him. I'd led a happy life and then he came along and I had my doubts but he convinced me to be with him. He dragged me down this path and then dropped me. (Sometimes I think he thought I didn't want to be with him, and would be relieved after BD, and was surprised I wasn't.) He took it all, he took all the blame, he apologised and he cried and held me. He cried more than me in those first days. Every time I tried to start a calm discussion, he'd burst out crying. Then I'd cry and we'd cry on each other.

I spent weeks trying to work out when things had gone wrong. In my dark times, I questioned H repeatedly. He'd say he felt unhappy for a few months. Then he'd say he was happy most of the time, and only thought he didn't want to be together when we were having an argument. I didn't know not to believe anything he said, and confused myself more and more.

But even now, I don't feel I can pinpoint things going wrong. I see others on other threads going "oh, so that's what WAS meant when he/she said XYZ. He was saying he was unhappy but I just didn't listen". But with my H, he just never said. Ever. I know there are things both of us did wrong, and there are things I want to work on, but still, there was never a time pre-BD where I suspected or could tell he was unhappy, or in retrospect can see he was. He just never said a thing. So I have no idea whether:
-He was unhappy throughout our entire M and was lying about his happiness the whole time
-He was only unhappy at the end of our M (and was lying)
-He was actually in denial to himself and didn't realise he was unhappy until BD (this is what he claims)

So now I find myself questioning reconciling. Do I really want a new M with this man? This man who either lies about his happiness for months or years, or who is so out of touch with his own feelings he doesn't realise he's unhappy? Because I was really happy, but was this M and was this H even real? Was my happiness all founded on illusions? Who is he?!

I feel so much hatred right now it's overwhelming and terrifying. I still can't stop crying and that makes me even more angry. I just want to run far, far away. Or for him never to come back from his ski trip.

The fact that he's being so nice to me, and seems to be drawing closer, I think is confusing me, and making me question things. I think (probably like others) I went into DB thinking I wanted to save my M, and get my old M back, when clearly it's dead. Now, I've known that intellectually all along, but I think it didn't really hit me until recently. Yes, it's dead, and if I R, it will be a *new M* with H. And so the question is - do I want a new M with this man, what would that look like and who is this man? And that's what terrifies me. Because I actually thought our old M was pretty d@mn good, but apparently he didn't but never told me that. So is there a point in a new M with him at all? I wonder if I know H at all.

Perhaps I should look at it as - now I need to get to know H, since apparently I didn't know him before (and he says he didn't feel like/act like himself in our M), so I should approach it with an attitude of curiosity and get to know him and decide if I want a new M with this new H. But with so much anger and hatred, that is hard to do. It would be much easier to run away...