This need not be the end.

[25yearsmlc]

I can't believe I find myself in this position but I now have to file against W.
I don't want to, I HAVE to. It's the only way I can get the consent agreement drawn up so that she can't come back for more upon D. I called W last night to tell her that was what I had to do. We didn't argue this time, we just talked.


Maybe it's REALLY REALLY different in the UK but here, we'd have written up a property agreement and it's pretty much a contract in nature.

IT's not truly about "the marriage" - it's about the HOUSE and DEBTS...assets and liabilities, business stuff.

Your solicitor may THINK it's best to divorce now, but I cannot believe you two cannot work out a private agreement that would merge into the final divorce, IF you wanted to.

But is that really such a terrible thing if you must? B/c truly,

filing for a divorce for financial reasons is just that; filing for divorce for financial reasons.

No need to stress MORE about it or blame HER MORE than you already do...

Though you SAY you know you were "a husband that only a fool would Stay married to", now that you have done some work on yourself, you seem to feel you are entitled to more of her life.

Try to back off that claim. Try to take her words at face value, for NOW,....which is not to say that you must believe the words OR that she will always feel a certain way. We can say for sure, she won't always feel the same.

But don't attach so much of your worth to it, okay?


I told W that I can't trust her word now. Even though I want to, I can't, I said that she didn't know where she'll be in just under 2 years and I can't run the risk of her changing her mind (or having it changed by other people).

Telling her you cannot trust her word is an odd way to put it - when the reality is neither of you knows where you'll be in 2 years or 5 years, etc. Do you see how much blame you continue to lay at her feet WHILE ALSO claiming that you are "taking responsibility" for your part in getting here?

I'm not sure you can have it both ways...

So I'll file, she said this is what she wants, she's not bothered that I'm filing for unreasonable behavior.

Please do NOT ask her if this is what she wants, again.

The one thing I know will NOT HELP YOU is continually asking her questions like that.

Trust me/us on this. There is a reason we say NOT to constantly challenge their choices...b/c it forces her to defend and cement those choices

instead of truly examining them.

The more you ask her if she is sure, the more sure she will say she feels. At some level that will increase her feelings of certainty.

So do yourself a favor and just Stop asking...


I'm still working on the money side of things but it looks like it will be possible to do once I've sorted a few issues out. Apart from my mortgage, I'll be debt free and be paying less than I am now (admittedly for longer). I get most of the equity, my home back and two of my kids living with me. It's not the best outcome or what I wanted but it's the next best thing.

Keep this^^ in mind as much as you can, when you start to backslide into victimhood...most men don't come out this "well", ((which I realize is a very relative term!!)

But yeah, relatively speaking, you are fortunate. TRY to realize that, okay?

You are a man living in a free nation, able to worship (or not) as you wish, to work in a field of your choice, you are healthy, your kids are healthy and safe (!), they love you and they know they are loved,

you have a roof over your head, electricity at home and food in the refrigerator, you have an income from a job you seem engrossed in...

Barry, hear me please. All this^^^ -- makes you in the lucky 4% of people, in the WORLD.



I did tell W that I was sorry that it had come to this, and that I wish her no harm. I asked her if she agreed that we'd had a good life together for the most part

Ouch

and she said yes we had. She just doesn't want it any more. I don't have to like that but I do have to accept it as painful as it is.

One last time, Barry, STOP asking her questions like that!

All I can say is that it's a serious turn OFF for a woman to have a man need so much reassurance and that is exactly what you are seeking, from a woman who is divorcing you.

You want her to have second thoughts? Then stop asking for reassurances, please.

So we'll be divorced. Despite that, I told her that I'd never close the door on her but that I would move on with my life.

The first clause ^^^ completely undermines the second clause. You just told her that in reality, you will wait for her...but you might pretend to move on...

Barry, it's like you are trying to stomp out any remaining chance there might be for her to doubt herself. It's very self defeating.


I said if she ever had a change of heart and really wanted to be with me again, she should let me know.


Because she'd keep that to herself??? SIGH....your neediness is too blatant...

I'd marry her again, even after all of this. I say this because I love her still.


well of course you would. You SAID she wants out of the marriage b/c you did not treat her well, but then you condemn her for that.

Barry just do YOUR WORK and let those changes speak for themselves. It's really all you can do, along with being the best dad you can be.

Down the road, we can try to help you demonstrate the new improved you more, and that MAY take some dating or dating attempts, but for now, JUST stop asking her for so much reassurances and stop the constant "historic temperature checks" of HER recall of the marriage, that she cannot possibly be objective about at this moment in time anyhow...

let the good memories resurface.

but those good memories cannot come to the surface if you keep "dunking" her in the "reassure Barry that it was really almost great but for some unknown reason the w wants out" water...

b/c that^^^ is NOT how SHE felt.

Damn you WAW for making me do this.

sigh....

Barry, back to basics b/c you have forgotten them or ignored them.

GAL and do some 180s and tell us about THEM and some short term goals.

Some short term goals for You might be:

1) NOT asking your w ANY relationship questions

2) NOT telling her how you feel about her or the marriage or the future,

or anything

OTHER than good things you are looking forward to, WITHOUT involving her.

Sorry you are in pain. I'm trying my best to help you LESSEN it but it's as if you want to inflict more on yourself.

Please, don't. ((( )))