Well, it took a little time but I just got through this thread. I'll have to make it a favorite. I've got several things to say. I use this site to organize my thoughts since my H only wants to talk to be about "important" stuff. His ideas and issues are important mine are "silly". Hmm, and I am a genius but my ideas are "silly".
How blessed you are to have W that is trying. My H doesn't have a problem. I am the one with a problem. I am HD he is LND. It has been 5+ years since I had sex. April 10th will be year six. I am pissed, frustrated, contemplating homicide or affair or mass orgy, convinced that I must be the ugliest woman on the planet, hurt, hopeless, depressed and worried that I am going to die unhappy or he will. That of course is on the bad days. On the good days, I work on me and clean the attic: that's my way of saying I think about what I am thinking. We as a people on both sides of this problem have to deal with the all-or-nothing thinking. WE don't make changes that fast no matter how we think we are doing. But we sure want everyone around us to change in the blink of eye. It takes time. Just because we got one part of the wall up and not the other wall is no reason to burn down the house. It takes time, I know. I just got around to working on my "I know" and dealing with my issues about the dark. My H uses that word "right" so much I would like to have it banned. If he ever asked for a list from me on what he could do to save our R that would be at the very top even before sex. No more do I want to hear him say he is just trying to the right thing. Or that he wants to do what is right and I should want to do what is right if I want him to love me. Or that this way is right and that way is wrong. I hate his instructing me on simple tasks like turning the pot handle in so it won't catch on something when you walk past the stove. I am 53 years old, I've raised my children and held down a full time job. I am not stupid. He doesn't see this stuff the same way I do so he sees no reason to change the right way of handling things. My H will not read SSM and feels that there is nothing wrong with our M that couldn't be fixed if only I would do things his way which is the right way. So you are blessed that your wife is trying. Please cut the lady some slack about the end of day LM. I am HD but not after a long hard day. If you let me sleep tonight I GUARANTEE you will wake up with a smile and get a loving "workout" just about every morning. I am just a morning kinda girl. My best time is mid-afternoon. I can put new meaning into having "tea". But if you look at my nightwork record you would think I am LD. I'm not I'm just tired and need to rest to recharge the engines.
In summary, don't knock the small steps. When you're building a house nails look small but in the right place they will whole that thing in place through any storm. Lose the all or nothing attutide it like adding chocolate milk to mashed potates. And don't make the cost of your help so high that she will be unwilling to pay the price you charge for your help. Beleive me, no one like to crawl and beg for every crumb of affection.
