Zelda - Navigating old ruts and land mines in M.2

[gan]

Lot's of great thinking happening on your thread at the moment, Zel.

So a few thoughts:

1. Your list of questions - I'm with Wonka, it seems like interrogation. I suspect even more so for men. Some people (men in particular) need to act the answers, while others (women in particular) need to talk about them. If it will make you feel better for clarifying the answers to the questions, then why not keep them to yourself, uncover the answers and live by them.

2. Have you got the book by Gottman? The exercises there aim at building good will toward each other, so that when the eggshells do crack it's not so catastrophic.

3. Here's a passage from a book by David Schnarch that really hit me:

"If your partner thinks that you're trying to drag him forward into your version of happiness and a better life, you make it safe for him to "dig in his heels" and remain complacent or resistant.

When you stop pressuring your partner to change, it pushes you to clarify what you want and what you're willing to do to get it."

... ... ...

PS Thanks V, for the link on emotional flooding. Like Zel I would have once said that H was the one who got emotionally flooded and shut down. But now I am seeing it a different way. I think V's Screaming Banshee would get along with my Griselda Grim. That was me being emotionally flooded - whereas H shutting down was him going into his cave, me shutting down was Griselda Grim unleashing her glory on the world. I hated her but didn't feel like I could control her and felt powerless when she showed up. Schnarch talks about self-soothing as a relationship skill and I believe it to be true. Well, I'm locking Griselda Grim beneath the floorboards and learning to bring the focus back to my breath.