Quote: W will sometimes say something about something that indicates to me that she's not completely clear (or correct) in her understanding. I have the tendency to correct her.
Uh, oh. I do that, too. Like, the other day she called the computer case the "hard drive." I knew she meant "cpu", but I had to tell her that the hard drive is actually a component inside the CPU, and she didn't believe me.
We're both actually this way. I called one of Santa's reindeer "Donder" instead of "Donner", and she said I was wrong. I went to google and proved that it is an earlier spelling of the reindeer's name. She conceded.
I wonder if CeMar does this.
Sometimes I just say to myself, "Hairdog, she's wrong and you know it. You could prove it, but then she'd be all pissy. Just be happy knowing that you're right."
You know, I have found with observing just myself and my interactions with my H, that the need to be 'right,' or the need to 'correct' him comes from my own 'ego' need to feel good about myself -- at HIS expense. If I pursue this line, it can often lead to a bicker or spat, which ends up making one of us feel 'bad' on some level.
Now, if he wants to take the wrong road, yes, I need to speak up. If he is going to do something that could potentially hurt him or me, then I need to 'correct.' In most other instances, however, ask yourself, 'what is the purpose of me needing to be right here, or to correct here? We all have a POV, and we all follow our own paths in life. Is one better than another? Not necessarily. In most instances, it's just different.
But what does being 'right' really get you? So what if your wife wants to call something a hard drive rather than a CPU. What does correcting her get you, other than a surge of feeling good about being right -- at her expense?
Quote: I called one of Santa's reindeer "Donder" instead of "Donner", and she said I was wrong.
Actually... it IS "Donder" (maybe not quite spelled that way). Comes from Donder Und Blitzen - the German words for Thunder and Lightning. Oops... there I go, doing it to...
The other night, we were drinking a Cabernet Sauvignon, and she asked, what is that flavor I'm tasting? I said, "I taste plum." She said, "no...more like blackberry." I let it drop, knowing that in my mouth, it tasted like plums. She went to the computer (fired up the "hard drive") and looked up the tasting notes on this particular wine. She came back in the room, gave me a high five, and said, "you were right, it was plum." It made me feel good, and since she was the one that was pushing for the answer, she didn't feel bad at my expense. More Confidobics in action!
Hairdog, who thought he married Ms. Right, but didn't realize her first name was "Always."
Hey hairdog, at thanksgiving with my parents, we drank a bottle of wine which was really tasty. It was a gift to my dad. My W and I have been to a few tastings and enjoy wine, so I tried to go online to find out more about this wine so we could buy a few bottles. The punchline of this joke requires research...it was a 1982 Chateau Margaux. Needless to say, we won't be buying or drinking that again...unless I strike oil.
Well, it took a little time but I just got through this thread. I'll have to make it a favorite. I've got several things to say. I use this site to organize my thoughts since my H only wants to talk to be about "important" stuff. His ideas and issues are important mine are "silly". Hmm, and I am a genius but my ideas are "silly".
How blessed you are to have W that is trying. My H doesn't have a problem. I am the one with a problem. I am HD he is LND. It has been 5+ years since I had sex. April 10th will be year six. I am pissed, frustrated, contemplating homicide or affair or mass orgy, convinced that I must be the ugliest woman on the planet, hurt, hopeless, depressed and worried that I am going to die unhappy or he will. That of course is on the bad days. On the good days, I work on me and clean the attic: that's my way of saying I think about what I am thinking. We as a people on both sides of this problem have to deal with the all-or-nothing thinking. WE don't make changes that fast no matter how we think we are doing. But we sure want everyone around us to change in the blink of eye. It takes time. Just because we got one part of the wall up and not the other wall is no reason to burn down the house. It takes time, I know. I just got around to working on my "I know" and dealing with my issues about the dark. My H uses that word "right" so much I would like to have it banned. If he ever asked for a list from me on what he could do to save our R that would be at the very top even before sex. No more do I want to hear him say he is just trying to the right thing. Or that he wants to do what is right and I should want to do what is right if I want him to love me. Or that this way is right and that way is wrong. I hate his instructing me on simple tasks like turning the pot handle in so it won't catch on something when you walk past the stove. I am 53 years old, I've raised my children and held down a full time job. I am not stupid. He doesn't see this stuff the same way I do so he sees no reason to change the right way of handling things. My H will not read SSM and feels that there is nothing wrong with our M that couldn't be fixed if only I would do things his way which is the right way. So you are blessed that your wife is trying. Please cut the lady some slack about the end of day LM. I am HD but not after a long hard day. If you let me sleep tonight I GUARANTEE you will wake up with a smile and get a loving "workout" just about every morning. I am just a morning kinda girl. My best time is mid-afternoon. I can put new meaning into having "tea". But if you look at my nightwork record you would think I am LD. I'm not I'm just tired and need to rest to recharge the engines.
In summary, don't knock the small steps. When you're building a house nails look small but in the right place they will whole that thing in place through any storm. Lose the all or nothing attutide it like adding chocolate milk to mashed potates. And don't make the cost of your help so high that she will be unwilling to pay the price you charge for your help. Beleive me, no one like to crawl and beg for every crumb of affection.
Ouch! $522!!! My W and I have had great success ordering wine by the case from places like wine.com. They give you a discount if you buy a case, plus no tax. The shipping makes up the difference, but we have really enjoyed some great wines in the $8 - $14 range. You can drink a lot of different wines for the cost of that one bottle of Chateau Margaux!
How does this relate to SSM? I wish the wine had the effect on my W that it does on a lot of women (less inhibited, more horny), but it doesn't. Dang.
WED PM: Got return call from Therapist. Told her that I worked through the issues (a few posts back) which really centered around the "frequency" issue. We talked briefly and she said that the worst thing you can do is "revise the target". This was something I had thought of because I made this mistake once already. Last month I said "every 10 days" but my emotional needs were much less because of where we were in the "reconnection" of our relationship. But since we started being more "together" my needs increased significantly and I also wanted to come up with an "ideal" that I could live with indefinitely. That's why I established 2 times a week as an ideal minimum but also told W that I understand that it might take her time to work up to that. It's almost 80% in her court now. I'm chillin' and giving her some space. I'll keep posting.
Please do. Don't do what I did, go away for a year. Bad move. I wasn't even hanging around here - another bad move. Can't get any help without hanging around where help is.
I'm reminded of some instructions for how to start a fire, using flint and tinder. You strike the flint, and get some tinder smouldering, then you gather some dry stuff together with the smouldering tinder, and blow gently (to feed oxygen to the fire). If you blow TOO HARD, you blow the flame OUT. You might want to let HER lead for a while, and see where she leads. If she leads back into the desert, then maybe she doesn't really get it after all. I'm hoping she'd be leading towards another oasis, but maybe some rock climbing along the way...
WED PM: W is on board and seems to be a perfect trooper after what we did tonight. I guess I didn't irritate her today . What's hard is that we are both "givers" and we need to communicate who does what when where and how. This is something we can combine with games and notes.
