Wonka, I thought a little more about the "who I am" question. And, really, who I was before xh was a 17 year-old. I'm not that person, nor do I want to be. Having been with him for 20 years, since a teenager... well, we grew up together. He was my life. We came from NOTHING. We worked hand-in-hand for everything. Experienced everything together. We came from small towns with no worldly experiences or anything outside of that small-town mentality. So, really, everything we did for the first time, it was together. We were very intertwined. Yes, we brought our own things to the table, but we were so enmeshed, that our personalities bounced off each other. PB &J, salt & pepper, Batman and Robin... you know... like that. It's just hard being me without my partner.
I also don't think I am stuck in anger. I am really feeling it now... really... after all he has done to me. For a year and a half, I couldn't really access it. Couln't digest the reality of MY reality. I think I have a lot to be angry about. I think I have a right to be angry. I don't like it, nor do I want it to stay. I know it won't. But I am using it to help me see reality. It is helping me access things I need to really let go. It's been like two weeks of real anger. I don't know how that is stuck. I got some mad $hit to work through here. I hope it's gone soon. For real. But, I need it, I know, to work through some stuff. To get me past this stage of feeling paralyzed. Like a prisoner of circumstance.
I also don't see this whole audition thing... I don't get it. I know I cycle a lot. But I have had so much to process. My actions are not at all for his benefit. My actions are first, to try to find my footing. Trying to get some semblance of my surroundings. It is so f'ed up, what has happened to me. I am not saying that as a victim... It just is! And I am taking steps to become stronger for me and for my kids. I don't get the whole audition analogy. I don't dig it, either. I mean, if others see it that way, that's totally fine with me. I know my intentions and my struggles. I know that I am just trying to find my way. Who am I? Well, I think that will take time. I also think that accepting my past and my present will help me define that. I can't gloss over it. I think the first true step starts with acceptance. It is then that every step is stronger and with more determination. I'm getting there. I'm not in a rush. Well... I would LOVE if it went MUCH faster... but I don't want to screw it up. And to figure out me, I need to be authentic to me. I feel I have been a raw and real as I can be. That's my way of doing things. THIS is me. THIS is my present. THESE are my thoughts. My feelings. My sincerity. Me.
Hi, AJ! I learn so much from your posts and find them endearing and helpful. I'm getting there, my friend. Thank you for your guidance and support. It has given me incredible insight and reminders which I keep in my pocket for much needed moments.
Matt, thank you. Your encouragement means the world. I am so sorry you are enduring this painful mess, but I know I have a friend who understands. I haven't seen updates from you recently... I hope you are doing well. And you are right, No One will stop us!
Ellie & bea- xh used to say for 16 years as he looked as s18, "I don't know how anyone could do that. I would never do that to s18." He said it all the time. Now, he talks about his childhood... he has several times to s18 and when he met with my mom recently he talked about it a lot.
I do think that xh's r with hww is similar to his dad's w ow. Just in the way ow was with her kids vs fil's kids and hww w hers vs my kids. LOTS of similarities in how things went down. (ex: xh caught fil in the act, s18 caught xh on phone and saw text). Lots more, but you get the point.
Hi uR! I understand both pov between you and AJ, actually. Totally. I do think that to b in a r, you have a working partnership, and that you bring your own individuality to, which... as a partnership, is cherished and supported. That's part of it. I don't think I could ever have a r again in which I am as close to someone as xh and I were.
