Seperated -she is with someone, I'm desperate (3)

[Sotto]

I think you did great at dinner too! And Sandi is quite right....Rome wasn't built in a day!

[vdubber]

But was Rome built in a lifetime?...still have hope and i would have loved to have grabbed her pulled her close, and put one on her that she would never forget....hope to get the opportunity some day as that will be the day the tide has officially turned.

Until then love from afar....

[Zues126]

See my post on Foolish's thread and what he just went to. You need a more realistic perspective of what's really going on.

Personally the part about DBing I don't like is the idea of adjusting your behavior and monitoring results with a wayward spouse.

I'm all about personal growth. I'm all about being your best, and learning from your failures.

For me, however, I'm not going to chase after a person doing these things. They've gone too far. I didn't feel that way originally. But it isn't right in my book. I love DB site but I think after reading about so many affairs it's easy to downplay it or consider it standard. Or divorce. I don't believe affairs are standard. I don't believe divorce is standard. Those that feel that way, I don't really need close to me.

[vdubber]

Hi Zues. I was able to track down that thread and i understand what you mean about letting her, OM, and friends fall to the background. I do admit my hoping for her may be slowing down my personal growth. I also admit that what she has done is not acceptable and i deserve better. I don't condone her actions and as much as I want a life with her, she would have to ftruly commit to a new R which would mean changing quite a few things on her side of the fence as well. Do I condone it,no. Do I think an affair is normal or divorce us normal, no. Where I struggle is i still truly love her and have an open heart to her. But I do need to move forward as if she is gone. If i am pleasantly surprised some day that would be great but I cannot count on it and know it will only slow down my healing.

[mahhhty]

Vdub - you need hope without expectation. You did great the other night, except driving by her house. Keep doing what your doing, BC it is working.

[vdubber]

Thank you Mahhhty.

Just journaling a bit here. Last night after work met coworkers for drinks. Was nice to chat with some people I hadn't seen in a while and met another couple who were friends of coworkers so that was nice too. Woke up this morning and took S18 to get a coffee and breakfast so that was nice. Back home now as still tired from the busy week. Hope to meet up with a coworker for dinner tonight who is still in town this week as he and I get along well.

I still feel good about the mtg with W on Thursday and will not contact her this wknd but part of me hopes she wants to meet again next week so I can try the same approach. I guess what I really would like is some indication that she is intrigued and reaching out, whether or not we meet is not as important. Again this is the impatient part of me. Next week should be easier as I will have the little ones again. I have to say that usually the weeks I don't have the kids are very hard for me and I get sad probably from having too much time to think but this week I had people in town for work mtgs and was out every night....I'm exhausted. So it's been my best GAL week so far in terms of staying busy.

Monday is my bday. I have kids that night and although it means nothing to me I may get a little cake just so the kids can watch me blow out the candles and then they can eat the cake. W will most certainly text me but I hope she does not ask to stop by as I don't care to see her on my bday. It's my day and she has no business trying to take part in it as that would be both figuratively and literally "cake eating" :-) I know this probably sounds harsh but things are not ok and i do not want to pretend they are, especially on my bday. Wish I was out of town as I honestly am not even up to dealing with it. And I see my IC on my bday too so at least I should be in a good frame of mind that evening.

Well time for a nap and then want to run downtown for some Indian food which I wanted to do a couple weeks ago but didn't end up going. Need to get out after a short (or long) nap.

Thanks for reading my ramblings...

[vdubber]

Out for drinks for a friend's bday. My S18 is at W house babysitting til midnight. Should not bother me but I would be lying if I said it didn't as I know tonight is a big Pisces party at a club downtown and we went together 2 years ago since I am the Pisces not her bit she know the people that set it up. Anyway, had to vent. Need to quit feeling sorry for myself as all night I will wish I was with her.

[vdubber]

10:30 home in bed. I have had some struggles tonight knowing W is out at Pisces party tonight with OM. Nothing I can do about it and I truly just want to close my eyes and not think for 8 or 9 hours.

I just don't understand it. Well gnight everybody, glad today has come to an end.

[vdubber]

Got up and went to breakfast by myself and then some shopping, got a pair of pants and a shirt. Home for a nap and then met friends for a beer. I really miss her tonight for some reason. Miss laying beside her, brushing her hair out of her face, kissing her forehead and holding her close I really am a romantic guy, sometimes I wonder if she ever misses it but I really doubt it.

Have kids tomorrow so next week should go quicker for me. I am adjusting to being alone hut my love for her has not diminished at all. I will do my best to keep working the process and see what happens. I would give my left nut to hold her about now...

[vdubber]

NC all weekend but did get a happy bday message this morning and asking of she can come by this evening with gifts the kids bought for me. I did not want her to buy me anything and already feel uncomfortable about this day. The truth is of course I want to see her but not put of pity or obligation as it's my bday. If i say no thanks I come off as an a-hole since gifts are "from kids", but having her by will be very stressful for me. Any advice?