Old dog seeks new trick 10

[Old Dog]

Can't sleep funnily enough. I've bashed the hell out if her pillows and sworn my best/worst.

I've also photographed the evidence and am thinking of either shredding them or burning them.

As well as feeling anger at her, I am also feeling anger and shame myself for failing to be the husband I should have been.

This is so hard to deal with. I wonder if I will ever be able to be a worthy partner and if is making me cry buckets right now.

I am also aware that this is self pity and not something I want to indulge in. I desperately want to leave any passive aggressive, or even just passive, behaviour behind.

I feel so alone, betrayed, embarrassed and whole lot more crappy feelings. It's been nine horrible months since bomb day and I just want it to end now. I don't feel at all strong. My beautiful wife has gone when I need her the most.

I think you can tell I'm not at my most perky at the moment but I will sure this night, I will survive tomorrow ... and the next day.

Somehow.