My story

[EyeTie]

She called tonight to check on our daughter who is under the weather. We ended up chatting for 45 minutes about all sorts of things. Never once did I bring up the R, just kept it casual. It was a complete change of pace and a very welcoming one. One big issue we had is that my son asked me today "Is it always going to be like this, you living here and Mommy living in her house?" and I said "Well buddy, only God knows our future, but for now, this is how it is." When I told her that she said "you should have said that we are never getting back together and yes." I said "Well, since I don't own a crystal ball, I didn't feel comfortable telling him that." She got quiet.

Now, sometime ago on these forums, a WAW made a comment that stuck in my ear. She said that if her husband said a certain phrase, it might change things. I used said phrase. I said "Hey, I just want you to know that I understand that you had your reasons for leaving, also I forgive you for doing so and I will never hold it against you." I thought she hung up on me. I asked if she was still there and she meekly said "yes..." and I repeated it again. She just sat there, quiet, hearing what I was saying to her. For the first time since I can remember she was speechless. I then followed with, "I have to log back in for work, I will talk to you soon, have a great day tomorrow" and left it at that.

I guess we will see what tomorrow brings, but for now I am a bit more optimistic about things.

[EyeTie]

We had S school conferences today. His teacher is worried about him and already wants us to sign him up for summer school. She said all of his drawings lately have "dark" colors, lots of black, dark blue and brown. My wife informed me before that she had contacted his teacher about the divorce, but frankly, I am not sure. I am going to research a tutor for him along with some apps for his tablet to help him along.

During the conferences though, I made a joke, her and I were sitting side by side and she banged her knee into my leg. I did it back to her and we kept going back and forth, smirking at one another and making eye contact.

At the end of it all, she said she had to run for a dinner party, I loaded the kids into my car and off we went. I am still DBing and GALing (have friends coming into town this weekend) but it's just harder than I thought. But I knew if I wanted to save this marriage, it would be a hard battle.

[EyeTie]

The 180 is working.

Our daycare cancelled on us today, I shifted my meetings around to start at 1pm. It's her B-Day and she wanted to do some running around this morning, even though she was supposed to take the kids right away. Which is fine.

She called an hour ago claiming she had a job interview at 3 or so and that she was going to bring the kids back over. I said "I have a 2 hour long skype presentation on a project I have been working on for 2 weeks from 2:30-4:30. That will not work." She then attempted to force me to change my schedule to accommodate hers, I declined again, she got mad and hung up on me.

The old me, the one she is used to would have done it without a second thought. The new me is not going to do it.

Also it's her Birthday today, she said on the phone "Oh, my FB is blowing up from people wishing me a Happy Birthday", I just said "Wow, it's nice to know that other people love you, huh?" No "Happy Birthday" from me, no card, no present, just another day I guess.

[EyeTie]

Just a quick background. Today is HER day with the kids mind you, but our daycare is closed so I offered to split the day with her to help her out on her Birthday. I never should have agreed to it, but whatever, now I am reaping the whirlwind.

So she text me saying...

"Hey thanks a lot for not watching the kids while I had my interview. They were screaming and fighting in the background. I won't forget that you didn't help me out when I needed you."

I responded with...

"Don't try to paint me out to be the bad guy here. I told you yesterday and again this morning that I had a Skype call for work that was going to take 2 to 3 hours. I was going to over my final data that I spent the last week preparing. I understand things come up, I tried to be as accommodating as possible. But there was nothing I could do. I would have gladly rearranged my schedule to fit yours and I did for the morning to make sure you could go to said interviews and what not. It [censored] that it got canceled this morning and you rescheduled it for later. But it's not my fault, I stuck to the plan."

Then I wrote...

"I am not going to text fight with you. Hell, I am not going to fight with you at all. Have fun tonight. If you want to talk call me."

So I did what I shouldn't have done and called her. She said "I am not going to let you ruin my night because you ruined my afternoon! I am going out tonight with MY friends (everyone that is meeting her there she met through me) and going to have FUN! I am not going to talk to you about this" and hung up on me.

So I text her back and said

"You are mad at the situation and blaming me for it. This is not my fault. You knew I had to work, I don't understand why you won't accept that."

I am fuming right now. I mean, what am I supposed to do? My kids have been with me since Weds, it's her weekend, yet she is mad that I didn't drop everything to accommodate her. What the actual F???? This is what she wanted, not what I wanted. She wanted to split up, she said she could handle it on her own, she wanted to move out, this is all on her. What should I do here?

[Mozza]

What have you learned from this interaction in terms of future behavior? What would you do differently?

[EyeTie]

I am not sure, I am still very new to this whole DB thing. I think I would have acknowledged her, validated her issue and then moved on and ignored her. I think she is frustrated because it is her B-Day and it's the first one in 13 or 14 years that we were not together for it. So she is a little freaked out by it. She has since text me and thanked me for the cards I got her from our two kids, that they were sweet. So I guess she is over it, who knows. Frankly, I think she is just as confused about things as I am. I am doing the 180 and detaching from her, I am not telling her what I am up to unless she asks and I think it's bothering her. From what I see, I think she wants to give it another shot (possibly) but she has a lot of pride and by doing so, she would feel like she needs to explain herself to a lot of people. So it would be easier for her just to continue on this path, which makes her angry at me. Then again, if I knew what she was thinking, we wouldn't be here now.

[Mozza]

I am not sure, I am still very new to this whole DB thing. I think I would have acknowledged her, validated her issue and then moved on and ignored her.

Not bad. I'm no vet, but the DB way is never to engage in such arguments like you did, beyond validating. If you don't know it already, there's no way to win. You both have reasons to be upset and it does not need to be resolved. Resist the urge, next time. The phone call was the worst because of its high volatility. In my opinion, this restrained approach applies much beyond the context of our sitches, but let's keep it at this for now.

DB is a lot about controlling your emotions. Learn to catch yourself when you want to express your righteous anger. Yeah yeah, you're 100% right and she's completely wrong. So what? Do you want to be right or to be happy? Let it slip, be the bigger person, keep your eyes on the ball. By the way, it's very likely that she'll realize she's wrong but not tell you. Then you'll impress her much more than if you've dumped your anger on her.

[Fogg]

From what I understand the best way to show her your side is to avoid arguing with her. If you are right on the subject but attack her on it she goes into a defensive mode and attacks you back. As long as she's focusing on you fighting her she can't look at herself and see why she may be wrong.

So in a way by trying to tell her why she's wrong you just stick her in the mindset that's she's right.

[sandi2]

"Don't try to paint me out to be the bad guy here. I told you yesterday and again this morning that I had a Skype call for work that was going to take 2 to 3 hours. I was going to over my final data that I spent the last week preparing. I understand things come up, I tried to be as accommodating as possible. But there was nothing I could do. I would have gladly rearranged my schedule to fit yours and I did for the morning to make sure you could go to said interviews and what not. It [censored] that it got canceled this morning and you rescheduled it for later. But it's not my fault, I stuck to the plan."

This was perfect!

So I did what I shouldn't have done and called her

.

This part you should not have done. You should have drop the conversation after you called her out in that text. You just told her you were not going to fight with her, and then you turn right around and call her? What were your expectations when you called?

You are mad at the situation and blaming me for it. This is not my fault. You knew I had to work, I don't understand why you won't accept that."

Exactly! However, you are continuing to do what you told her you wouldn't........which is to fight about it.

I am fuming right now. I mean, what am I supposed to do? My kids have been with me since Weds, it's her weekend, yet she is mad that I didn't drop everything to accommodate her

You were not wrong to do what you did, okay? But you are fuming so she has won this round. Every time she blames you for something going wrong in her life .......and you react to it? You lose the victory. You know the truth, and that is what guides this, not her WW bitterness.

This is a warning: All WW's blame the LBH for every bump in the road, before and after the bomb. Get use to it and stop reacting like she is right. Let her stew in her own mess. She has to do this before she can find her way through it. If you allow her blaming to affect you, then you will be defeated before you get started,

The next time she sends a sarcastic, rude, bitter, blaming text.........what do you do?

[sandi2]

Continuing my post, I wanted to respond to you guys about this valading her in this particular incident. This may rock some others here who are big on validation, but I think some of the LBH'S overdo when the WW is being a b'tch and blaming the H for her problems.

It's not that I don't believe in validation, but you've got to know when it is appropriate and when it's not. Otherwise, you come across as being a sniffling doormat whimp who is kissing up. That is one of the worst things to do when you have a wayward wife.

Let me give you an example of the difference. If she had texted or called about how hard the interview went and she wasn't feeling confident about the results, then he could validate her concerns. But the minute she lashes out at him to put all the blame on him......that is when he needed to call her out and then shut it down.

You guys have got to get this part right.