Zelda - I want it all, all right now.

[Zelda09]

Figured I'd put my core issue front and center as the title.

My previous threads are in newcomers, and I've been gently pointed in this direction.

H is depressed and in his words 'professionally recovering' from an accident 3yrs ago. Something in my soul rolls it's eyes and loses patience, but I have promised myself I'd find empathy and take this seriously, as valid. I struggle with this.

I struggle with a basic dynamic where he feels defensive and lesser than me, and suffering his defensive-angry attacks and pity parties. In the height of a fight earlier this week, he basically told me that he doesn't want to be here. He has always said things in the height of his emotion, ready at the drop of a hat to throw our R away. It's traumatic to me.

I struggle with a different set of values, an internal/external locus of control points of view. To him, everyone is a victim or product of their circumstances. To me, we all have choices.we are at odds all the time coming out of these philosophies.

I struggle with the feeling that I am stepping on eggshells. If I don't deliver on his rigid expectations of how communication should go, he's all over me like white on rice. I feel H uses his own feelings as a defense against mine. Recent example - brings up his feelings and thoughts of suicide if I express struggling with any hurt myself.

I struggle with what seems like a one sided dynamic where he's expressed that he needs care, help, he is the one that has a right to be struggling. I don't want to be put into a caretaker role for the rest of my life. I fear that he will never step up to the plate as an equal provider. Though he has our retirement taken care of, it doesn't translate to life right now.

I struggle with knowing I want a family. I am running out of time. Briefly I thought egg freezing, but after research, no...H is very hesitant.

I am struggling with my changes of course - digesting feelings, not throwing them at him; backing off of a point if the conversation gets tense; not judging him against my values; not criticizing; listening without my agenda lurking nearby

I am struggling to accept him. Developmentally, he is a teenage boy. Still looking for others to teach him about him, expects everyone to nurture and lift him up, still trying to define himself and figure out what he wants in his life. This self preoccupation and lack of boundaries with others is repulsive to me. A mutual friend described his behavior as Unfathomably needy. This is his journey and it makes me so nervous, the implications it all has on the life we'll have together. But he wants to grow and is seeing an IC.

I am struggling not to put all my energy and focus into fixing all of this.

We are struggling with trust, unable to see if we are seeing things as they are it with all past disappointments and resentfulness. We arouse the fight or flight response in each other constantly.

I struggle with hopelessness, feeling like none of this will change and I need to quit trying so hard.

I am struggling for the first time, ever...with thoughts of walking away, giving up. It just feels like too much sometimes.

Looking for practical advice on handling going forward.