Thanks uR and mleigh .... yeah, I know that this detachment thing is tricky but I feel I am at a great level of it currently and not getting sucked in even though it would be SOOO easy to do right now. I think OM is gone or has been demoted to the friend zone ... I have no proof but honestly it does not matter to me as much at the moment.
So things are still moving but I have put some pieces together, not so mush that I have cracked the Da Vinci MLC Code .... but as I said there has been a noticeable increase in communication with W the past week. Is she coming out .. temp checking .. who knows I am staying the course but I do want to document the movement and things I have noticed.
W's neck is still bothering her, and as I can relate ... when I wrecked the motorcycle and was in a good deal of pain for a few days that feeling of "in this alone" sucked ... lets face it we are all getting older and there is that thought in the back of my mind what if one morning I can not get up, need help .. I would just be there all alone and its scary, I think W has had the same taste of that. She has been reaching out to me as of late. Wednesday night she TM me 11 times about 5 at 1:30am and another 6 at 3:30 am ... all crys for help, she is desperate ... I was asleep. There was a time I would have my phone cranked up so I could reply to these types of TM, anything to prove I would be there thinking that was what she needed/wanted ... might be the case but it was not healthy for me, and just enabled her to keep doing as she wished after she felt safe and secure. Not that I ignored on purpose, I feel bad she is in pain .... but she fired me from being her husband and this type of thing is something she must deal with. I did TM that morning, I had to pick up S for his dentist appt .... arrived at her place a little early (Always my way) S opened the door and I came in, helped him get ready .. she was in bed looking horrible, I looked at her asked how she was ... as she was telling me a wave of ... I dunno what.. came over me .. Our bed, she told me months ago her and OM were physical and she confessed they had sex on the same bed her and I shared for 14 years, the same bed S was conceived on.... so this wave of emotions hit and I just walked out of the bedroom into the living room with S to help him get ready. She got up and came out, asking if I was mad .. I told her no, then she said something to the point that I couldn't even look at her. I was calm, I told her I was sorry she was suffering, and it has been hard on me to see her suffer (Not just talking about the recent physical part) but given the circumstances I have been shown I can not 'be that guy' and be there for her. (Ironically mediation apt was that day) she said she understood, I looked at her and told her sincerely I hope she really does get better. She then asked me what I wanted. Oh boy .. loaded question there... I told her I did not want anything, I have been on record before about what I wanted but that has changed, at the moment I just want S to be happy and he is currently my main focus. I looked at my watch and away we went.
Observation ... the couch has been moved about the same time frame OM has been out of the picture. I have not been in her place in months ... its not so much the couch was moved, its where it is currently ... its like right in the middle of the room sideways, strangest thing really.
OK so dentist with S, not fun ... dropped him off at school and did some chores then made it to the mediation appt. Things went well, I was actually really calm. The lady started off with asking if I agreed on the separation date (W stated Dec 13), I told her about W cleaning out the accounts in Nov 13, she informed me if thats the case its communal property and I would have to be paid back for that, I showed proof and said well in this case I will accept the separation date. So .. W will have to pay that back plus the fact she took out 30k out of the 401k. Tsk Tsk ... they really are not thinking about long term things. Early into the session the mediator asked me how I was doing ... I told her we have been at this a long time and I have come to the understanding W is lost and thinks she needs this D in order to find happiness, and if thats the case I care aobut her enough not to fight it. The lady sat back with a "wow... thats extremely insightful" we went on about some other documents and issues and at the end she shared that W (Obviously had her appt a few days prior ... so that explains the sudden increase in communication) seems to have a much higher level of anxiety about the sitch, I agreed with that ... she also said it was comforting to know that I was so calm and understanding and so focused on S. She proposed a better custody method where I would actually get more time with S and I told her I am all for that.
W has been giving me updates on her pain, I have just validated here and there, another 1am text last night which I did not reply to till 8 this morning when I got into work. Seems our push and pull dance still involves her using S, sending me a picture of them both when he was 3 asking where we were, that she could not remember, wanting me to tell her about that day. Just strange things.
I am firmly planted, emotions in check and still sailing my ship as I would regardless. Maybe she catches up ... maybe she does'nt but I do feel like things are not stuck and moving, where ... I have no clue.
