Wife left me three weeks ago!

[alpha99]

Hi Starksy et al,

I didn't see your message earlier about initiating conversation with a neighbour. Now I'm a little confused. I thought the guideline was to minimise contact, GAL, and see if W starts to notice changes, become curious about what I'm up to. Of course it is not a problem to talk to her about every day things but I thought that was the wrong thing to do. Twinmom was suggesting cutting down contact with W to bare minimum, not to discuss anything with her (if I have understood properly). I understand that at some point in the future for things to get better there will have to be some increased communication and starting to get along better but I thought that the idea was to wait and see if she starts to soften, ask what I'm up to etc.

I went there this evening to drop the kids off. I took them to the park over the road from MIL's house. I had a good time with them. W stayed in house because she said she hadn't been up long from bed after working a night shift last night. I passed over kids' school stuff. She said thanks. No R talk of course. She flittered about, upstairs, kitchen, living room briefly. She wasn't nasty in any way, just more indifferent to my presence. I suppose that that is an improvement at least over hating me and shooting her scorn at me, as she has done in the recent past. What I'm trying to get now is how to gauge things for the best. It is so difficult. I have read both DB and DR and the advice, as good as it is, seems to be mainly for people who aren't yet literally 'out the door'. LRT appears to be the main thing in the books for people in my situation where we have physically separated. Maybe I am wrong there, I don't know. I can see how working on myself will have an affect but I'm struggling to understand how to proceed - again, be quiet, patient, hold back, don't make conversation, but be upbeat, polite etc...or initiate conversation about day to day stuff, how are you doing etc, without appearing to chase/pursue but not to mention R.

I seemed to get the best results in terms of pleasantness from her when I was being nice. Of course I've written how this may have backfired because she thought I was soft. Now I'm worried that things have gone a little too far in the opposite direction. I am worried that being quiet but polite, upbeat around her but not really speaking much to her may have yeah, stopped the rot, but has now stagnated things. What do you guys think? Should I continue on or should I try and tweak what I'm doing to add a bit of day to day niceness in there without the crying/pleading/chasing/being overly nice i.e. being a doormat?

oh man, I could scream right now