Susana (7) - Like a big pizza pie

[Zelda09]

*rock

[susana4]

Thanks Z. Man, I do not feel like I'm doing awesome sometimes - especially today, but I'll update on that in a minute. Think optimistically about what might be in my H's mind? Ha! Good point though, if I'm mind reading I could mind read in a positive way as well as negative.

Oh - and he hasn't brought up D (or moving out for that matter) since mid January when we quit MC. I'd already stopped R talks but MC (in addition to not being very M friendly) asked in *every* session "so are you still definitely decided on D?" (ugh) And every time he said yes, he was 100% certain (sometimes saying he was *more certain*). We haven't had a single R talk since then, but I don't want to think this means he could be reconsidering (although I'll admit there's a part of me that hopes that) because it's more likely he just doesn't want confrontation.

[susana4]

So, I was really irresponsible today, and called in sick to work and took a trip down to the seaside. Totally irresponsible but it was only one day, and it was a big boost to my mood.

I woke up feeling very down - so down I couldn't drag myself out of bed. Not just angry and resentful but more sad about my sitch. Lots of memories floating through my head today for some reason. I ended up calling in sick and moping around the house for awhile.

I had this overwhelming urge to run. I kept having fantasies about packing up all my stuff and leaving before H gets back from his ski trip, and never seeing him again. What's with this urge to run away? Is it a normal part of the process?

Eventually I shook myself (mentally) and I said to myself - "alright Susana, what good is this doing? Are you just going to spend the whole day miserable? You have the whole world open to you, and you can run away - at least for a little bit. If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be?" And I thought what I'd like most would be to sit by the ocean. So I got on a train and went down to the sea. I find the ocean always re-centers me, anyone else find this?

I also ended up looking at flats while I was there (not actual viewings, just online and I walked around and looked at the outsides of some). One of my big fears about S/D (apart from destroying my M obviously) is about where I'll live. There's no way I can afford even a tiny studio in our current area. When I was down by the sea today I started thinking about relocating. Maybe a fresh start would be good, and I'd love to live by the sea. Found an amazing place that's within my budget, bigger than our current flat, and was absolutely beautiful - only 15 minutes from the beach, a beautiful old house with a huge kitchen, a nice patio and a gorgeous cast iron Victorian fireplace! I walked around the area trying to imagine myself living there. I honestly don't know if I'd like it there. But, it was the first time I got even a glimpse of a life without H that wasn't just OK/scraping by, but actually might be better. That was a bittersweet moment.

[susana4]

I found this song (thanks to another song by the artist Vanilla posted in Zelda's thread) and thought it was very DB appropriate

Rumer - You Just Don't Know People (video)

"Listen to me, if you wanna be free
You gotta let it go
Just let it go
‘Cause people can stab you in the back
Right out of the blue
No, you just don’t know people
Or what they’re gonna do

You can’t control
You can’t keep hold of anything in this world, so

Take a little walk in the sunshine
Count 1, 2, 3
Baby, stay with me
Take a little walk in the sunshine
And listen to your heartbeat..."

[Starsky309]

I had this overwhelming urge to run. I kept having fantasies about packing up all my stuff and leaving before H gets back from his ski trip, and never seeing him again. What's with this urge to run away? Is it a normal part of the process?

It has been for me. I'm 7 1/2 years post-bomb, and more than 6 years since full reconciliation, and I *still* get it sometimes. Sometimes it's after we've had a fight, or some other trigger, but yeah -- it's still there. I think it always will be, at some level.


Starsky

[susana4]

I had this overwhelming urge to run. I kept having fantasies about packing up all my stuff and leaving before H gets back from his ski trip, and never seeing him again. What's with this urge to run away? Is it a normal part of the process?

It has been for me. I'm 7 1/2 years post-bomb, and more than 6 years since full reconciliation, and I *still* get it sometimes. Sometimes it's after we've had a fight, or some other trigger, but yeah -- it's still there. I think it always will be, at some level.


Starsky

Thanks Starsky. Interesting. It's comforting to know it's normal but a little frightening to know it lasts forever. Guess it just goes to show why we shouldn't act on just emotions!

[Sotto]

I ran at BD. I think it's the fight or flee response that kicks in. I still get a flee response now when H and I are in touch....

Sorry to hijack, but Starsky, if you get chance to stop by my thread & advise, I'd be grateful. Things are at a critical place between H and me.

Sorry Susana - hijack over!

[Starsky309]

It's comforting to know it's normal but a little frightening to know it lasts forever. Guess it just goes to show why we shouldn't act on just emotions!

Yeah, well that -- and opposable thumbs -- is what separates us from the lesser apes, I always say.

[Elly4]

Susana, when I was coming back from my trip to New York, I thought about staying on the train until the end and finding a new life for myself. I agree with everyone else about it being normal. I totally understand how tired you are.

On the up side, you are an amazing person that has already made a difference to others on here, and I can always count on you to give me a laugh. I wish I could write as well as you about my sitch, but I know it's more that I'm just not ready to. Keep doing the incredible work and make a few pizzas for us all tonight!

[susana4]

Thanks Eirinn, your comment really cheered me up! I'm so happy to offer as much help and laughter as I can.

I will eat some pizzas in your honor, and I'm going to relax tonight! I am tired, need to give myself a break this weekend while H is away!

I think I'm just a point where I'm questioning whether I really want to save my M, whether it's worth saving. I would have said I had a very good M but now I question whether that was real... But, I'm going to sit with these feelings awhile. I know by now not to act on emotions (and how changeable they are)!