Zelda - Navigating old ruts and land mines in M.2

[Vanilla]

Z

When this flooding used to happen to me, I put this song on my iPod with my headphones. It really helped as a quick fix.

Slow (song)

Hope you love it as much as I do. But they say Baroquemusic slows the heart rate and soothes the sympathetic nervous system too.

Give yourself space. Time away from H so this is not hothoused.

V

[susana4]

Vanilla, thank you for sharing that song. I for one loved it and I've saved it!

Z - maybe now is the time to go back to "just being" in your M. What if you make your focus this week "just being" and GALing?

[gan]

Lot's of great thinking happening on your thread at the moment, Zel.

So a few thoughts:

1. Your list of questions - I'm with Wonka, it seems like interrogation. I suspect even more so for men. Some people (men in particular) need to act the answers, while others (women in particular) need to talk about them. If it will make you feel better for clarifying the answers to the questions, then why not keep them to yourself, uncover the answers and live by them.

2. Have you got the book by Gottman? The exercises there aim at building good will toward each other, so that when the eggshells do crack it's not so catastrophic.

3. Here's a passage from a book by David Schnarch that really hit me:

"If your partner thinks that you're trying to drag him forward into your version of happiness and a better life, you make it safe for him to "dig in his heels" and remain complacent or resistant.

When you stop pressuring your partner to change, it pushes you to clarify what you want and what you're willing to do to get it."

... ... ...

PS Thanks V, for the link on emotional flooding. Like Zel I would have once said that H was the one who got emotionally flooded and shut down. But now I am seeing it a different way. I think V's Screaming Banshee would get along with my Griselda Grim. That was me being emotionally flooded - whereas H shutting down was him going into his cave, me shutting down was Griselda Grim unleashing her glory on the world. I hated her but didn't feel like I could control her and felt powerless when she showed up. Schnarch talks about self-soothing as a relationship skill and I believe it to be true. Well, I'm locking Griselda Grim beneath the floorboards and learning to bring the focus back to my breath.

[Wonka]

Z

My view is that from what I see of Z, she quickly reacts to consider D. There is no space at all, that looks like emotional flooding to me. I recognise it because that caused my screaming banshee to emerge.

All is fine then bang, flooding. I would like to know Z has this more under control before she starts to piece. Z needs more work on Z.

Emotional Flooding

What does Wonka think?

V

V,

Thanks for posting this link. This author discusses her experiences with emotional flooding from her marriage and some of it is backed up by Gottman's research on marriages. This leads me to think that it is pretty universal in relationships. In my mind, some people have better tools to fight fair with their spouses and others struggle with it due to their FOO (modeling from their own parents, grandparents).

It is interesting reading.

[susana4]

Zelda, how are you? Hope you had a good weekend and managed to relax and GAL a bit, with no more Ice Scream Gates.

[Zelda09]

Hey, doing ok. Just trying for a steady week. Work is ridiculous right now so it should be easy enough.

Posted in the piecing forum.

Just feeling kind of lost. More and more I'm realizing I never knew the real man H is as well as I think I did. And these past years have perhaps changed a lot in a subterranean layer while he tried to exist in the top soil he'd cultivated for the world.

I ask myself many questions lately about who I am and what I want. The auk seems to be the limit more now than ever that I'm not trying to grip so tightly on a couple goals I've fixated upon.

I am worried about him. Worried about me in this life with him.

Came home from work today and the house was spotless. First time ever he went to that kind if cleaning trouble unasked.

Trying to find the bright spots, steady and calm, just trying to be, not reacting against my fears and answers he can't give.

Idk, this prob belongs in piecing but I feel like I can say more here in shorthand, like this is where my buddies are who know me.

[susana4]

Following you to piecing to reply to your posts there...hope I'm allowed over there!

[Zelda09]

Things are going really well at the moment. Peaceful. H is opening up more and has been supportive of me. Steady does it.

Thanks, Susana. I'm going to remain over in piecing from here on out.

[TLEE86]

Hey Z- just wanted to drop you a line and say that I am really happy for you and I hope things continue to go well. Keep doing what you're doing. Sorry I've been MIA.