Susana (7) - Like a big pizza pie

[susana4]

So, I was really irresponsible today, and called in sick to work and took a trip down to the seaside. Totally irresponsible but it was only one day, and it was a big boost to my mood.

I woke up feeling very down - so down I couldn't drag myself out of bed. Not just angry and resentful but more sad about my sitch. Lots of memories floating through my head today for some reason. I ended up calling in sick and moping around the house for awhile.

I had this overwhelming urge to run. I kept having fantasies about packing up all my stuff and leaving before H gets back from his ski trip, and never seeing him again. What's with this urge to run away? Is it a normal part of the process?

Eventually I shook myself (mentally) and I said to myself - "alright Susana, what good is this doing? Are you just going to spend the whole day miserable? You have the whole world open to you, and you can run away - at least for a little bit. If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be?" And I thought what I'd like most would be to sit by the ocean. So I got on a train and went down to the sea. I find the ocean always re-centers me, anyone else find this?

I also ended up looking at flats while I was there (not actual viewings, just online and I walked around and looked at the outsides of some). One of my big fears about S/D (apart from destroying my M obviously) is about where I'll live. There's no way I can afford even a tiny studio in our current area. When I was down by the sea today I started thinking about relocating. Maybe a fresh start would be good, and I'd love to live by the sea. Found an amazing place that's within my budget, bigger than our current flat, and was absolutely beautiful - only 15 minutes from the beach, a beautiful old house with a huge kitchen, a nice patio and a gorgeous cast iron Victorian fireplace! I walked around the area trying to imagine myself living there. I honestly don't know if I'd like it there. But, it was the first time I got even a glimpse of a life without H that wasn't just OK/scraping by, but actually might be better. That was a bittersweet moment.