Hi, I posted this in the Hopefulness forum but as I read it, I began thinking maybe it belongs here.
It's hard to know where to start, ugh. H and I have been married for 23 years, I was a junior in high school when we met. We now have four beautiful kids and a family we both cherish. Like any couple, we have had our fair share of hurts and disappointments along the way and I posted here about 11 years ago after I'd betrayed our marriage vows in some pretty serious ways with online discussions/flirting with another man and at the same time I had been seeing a real person. I kissed this other person but it never went farther than that physically. He played in my brother's band so I saw him several times and spent time alone with him a few times. I was going out every weekend, leaving my H home with the kids, it was ugly. I told H about OM and the online relationship and hell ensued for the next 4 years. I stuck it out and he got past it enough to build a home together and have two more children. Since the big betrayal, there have been a few instances that my H also views as betrayals. Two times in a bar where he said I flirted with other men right in front of him. I did not mean to, that was not my intent, but I take responsibility. More recently, we went to my company party and I spent the entire last half of the evening talking to the President's brother about the buyout that was happening between his brother and the CEO. It was very loud, we talked very close, for way too long. It truly was all about business, but I humiliated my husband with my behavior. This guy had way too much to drink, as had I, and evidently he was touching me way too much. I truly don't recall that, which understandably upsets my H even more because how can he ever trust me if I don't even notice when another man puts his hands on me. Honestly I trusted the guy, I thought we were friends, I adore his wife (who had left earlier in the night) and in my head I thought my H was socializing with my coworker's husband and every time he came by to put his hand on my back I interpreted it as a supportive move from him and not a plea for me to stop talking to this guy. 2.5 hours passed, my H left me at the bar, it was a disaster. He is linking these instances together as repetitive behavior on my part and we are in a very bad and unhealthy place in our marriage. I truly love my H, we had a lot of problems in the past with controlling behaviors, alcoholism, pornography, etc. but for the most part H has made great strides in these areas and I've been reasonably happy. I did not mean to hurt him with my crappy and disrespectful behavior but I have. And I don't know if I can fix it if he truly believes that it is repetitive behavior on my part. These bulletin boards were VERY helpful to me when I posted before and I am hoping to find some support here to help me talk through this. I have really just scratched the surface but had to start somewhere.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
You are likely an admiration junkie with horrible boundaries around men. Just as your husband doesn't deal with his alcoholism by hanging out in bars, someone like yourself with the inability to discern appropriateness (as defined by your husband who you seem to want to maintain a relationship with), shouldn't be in the company of men without your husband and especially when drinking.
Are you an alcoholic? If so, your relationship with alcohol is your first priority to address.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Wow, you were able to ascertain that from one post? No, I am not an alcoholic, but alcohol does change my personality. I'm trying to be fair by giving his perspective here, perhaps to the sleight of my own.
An admiration junkie....I see no truth in that for me honestly. I do like it when people like me of course, but I don't think I get any more affirmation from it than the average person. I have thought about that...do I really seek out this kind of attention? The other day, I found myself laughing and joking around with the gay IT guy while we waited for something to download on my computer. He thinks the jokes I tell are funny, so we laugh a lot at company events, etc. But I thought about our interaction afterward....it was very similar to the interaction I had with the straight guy at our company party....I truly had no sexual or flirtatious interest and I didn't mean to accept anything that was extended to me in that regard either....but the fact that I felt like I just had a fun interaction similar to that with a guy that was gay....affirmed for me that I'm not in denial on this subject. The problem with the company party was that I drank too much, lost track of time and the boundaries of what was appropriate. It was a loud bar and having a conversation pretty much mandated exclusivity bc you had to yell in someone's ear and exclusivity mixed with close proximity due to yelling in someone's ear....regardless of what it WAS, what it LOOKED LIKE is reality and I understand that and know I have to alter my behavior and I certainly will. My husband and I have talked to this person several times and I considered him a mutual friend by us both, so I was overly comfortable and it was a bad, bad mix. But I had no ill intentions and I am so, so sorry about disrespecting my husband like that whether I meant or not. And overall I feel pretty comfortable saying that I'm not an admiration junkie. But I do agree that I often have the inability to discern appropriateness as I assume everyone's intentions align with mine. Does that make sense?
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
