mlc rut

[pbetra]

Hi all in db land

Recently had feeling of numbness . Was sad.
Thankfully I am beginning to re-gain 'feeling' again ...
I don't know why the numbness or whatever 'it ' was came up.

h apologized (!!) "4 upsetting me." I did hold my ground after that fateful discussion (something that rarely happens as these things were never 'worth the energy'). I suspect that my reaction would have enraged him more b 4, but it didn't this time. Anyway, he did apologize. He's been trying so hard 2 b nice & although I have been pleasant, I can't help but feel & outwardly express > 'lukewarm.'

Up to yesterday he asked me 2 go with him on a drive and I did b/c I didn't want to give him the impression that I was still upset or punishing him or whatever (??) since he's been trying to b nice. We didn't speak much for majority of it - just enjoyed the ride. Felt sad I think. Maybe subconsciously I felt that it was over b/c on some level it seems so pointless (he's so volitile that he was threatened - sometimes one meets one's match in life? Yup you're 'bad', but there's always 'badder'). Don't know why I am feeling this way but am trying to figure out.

I can't mind read of course .. maybe he is sorry on some level esp. b/c he's never seen me like this but I feel it's all superficial. They all pursue 'when the LBS distances' ... & boy did I distance!! I think
I snapped 'somewhere' in my own mindspace - I changed. I felt it!

Like him, I was angry after that discussion but I was not concerned, fearful or budging from my angry 'position'. I just couldn't believe the level of crap and the tactics taken. I might have doormat medium size before but not that large - geez!! Maybe this is why I still can't change re lukewarm feeling to him in spite of his efforts. As soon as the comfort returns - so does the crapola. I continue 2 b pleasant but something is holding me back from so much - responding, creating!!

Oh, have to end here 4 now, hope 2 b back a little later (not done yet).
thx as always, p