Toot Alors!

[twinmom]

Nothing wrong with that, lol!!

The more mystery shops at high end stores I do the more I want to buy things while I am there (spending WAY more than I am being paid to be there)

[Vanilla]

Shoes

Red kick ass heels are all the rage. They match the purple bed socks.

You have a sale already!

V

[Sotto]

H and I in touch by text today.

H - asked for the number of our decorator to start getting the house ready for sale.
T - replied with number. Let me know if you want us to work out plans re the house

Then I thought I should tell him about my position before he arranges decorating..

T - I need to let you know, I've been advised to sell only if we do it as part of dividing all our assets.

H- doesn't mind if we work up a plan to divide things. Maybe better sooner rather than later. I know you may want to buy a place. How do you want us to do it? Would you like me to suggest something?

T - Yes, if you want to suggest, that would be good.

H - Should be home by lunch and will send suggestion over this pm. He's sure we can agree something.

All sounds pretty positive on the financial/asset front, which is good. H certainly sounds pleasant and amenable. I'll wait and see what he suggests. Still no R talk for us. Presume I shouldn't be initiating anything. I'll just respond to what he suggests. Any thoughts welcome. T x

[rd500]

Hi Toots, do you mind if I ask what you want ?

Obviously you want the financials sorted if all comes to all but deep down do you want R woth your H ?

If you do then I would continue down your path but I wouldn't make it all roses for him. At some point he needs to have an idea of how the real Toots feels. The last thing you want is for you both to feel positive about an R but no one mention it. You H did a terrible thing to you and you have posted that he know thinks you are living a new happy life. He isn't going to come back on his hands and knees ( even though he should ! )

Think hard young Toots, life isn't black and white and Toots is all important in this !

as always, please take care as I sense Toots needs to take extra care around this time. Rd

[Sotto]

Hi RD

Thanks for your kind thoughts. I would still like us to R if possible. And no, he certainly doesn't know that at this point. I've done a good job of acting 'as if' I think - easier when you have very limited interaction.

And I do have a nagging doubt - what if he wanted us to R but presumes I don't? There have been hints of it 'stars' as you say. It would be just like H to 'accept it must be over' based on what he did and try and be decent about it. So I do feel I will need to address that at some point - if only to reassure myself - but then I worry it may be anti DB and undo some good work already done.

All of this said, I think selling the house needs to happen (unless H didn't want to, but he does.) As our lives developed and changed, the location stopped being good for us. Actually where I am now is a much better location for 'us' if we are an 'us' in the future. And based on L advice selling the house goes hand in hand with dividing assets. Although I might hesitate to go down this path if H didn't seem amenable, but he does...

I guess I'll wait and see what he suggests and post for further advice....Hope a vet maybe also drops by...Thanks RDx

[rd500]

A vet is needed Toots, I know how busy they are but hopefully one will stop by. I think Sandi says it best when she says do what works !

It's so hard sometimes because what are they thinking ?

take care of Toots, you are worth it !!! Rd

[mahhhty]

And I do have a nagging doubt - what if he wanted us to R but presumes I don't? There have been hints of it 'stars' as you say. It would be just like H to 'accept it must be over' based on what he did and try and be decent about it. So I do feel I will need to address that at some point - if only to reassure myself - but then I worry it may be anti DB and undo some good work already done.

Toots - I've thought about that multiple times. Along with the idea that I wanted to make sure I did everything I could. But at the end of the day that is still pursuing and if it isn't something H wants it will undo some of the work you have done. It seems like a catch 22 in my mind, but it is still the LRT way.

[Sotto]

So, I heard back from H, who suggests the following:

*He keeps paying to run our house until it sells & he will arrange to list it (ideally in March)
*He suggests paying me £10k on 'settling' to 'keep me going' until the house sells.
*I take 60% of the house proceeds
*All pensions, cars and savings in our own names remain so
*We can agree on splitting 'posessions' with a walk round the house together
*He would prefer to avoid using L's, but understands if I'm not happy doing that
*He hopes we can resolve this quickly and 'move on together'
*He doesn't want to do anything to hurt me
*These days he doesn't have the energy for prolongued disputes.

This feels like a 'stick my finger in the air' and let's just agree something. It doesn't deal with the rest of our assets, mostly built up during our M, including our city flat. I think this is what he 'hopes' a D settlement may look like (favourable to him.) Is he trying to pull a fast one, or just naive? IDK - but am holding myself back right now from venting.

Very different from my L advice to only sell the house as part of separating assets and finances as though we are D'ing. I'm going to check out the process of dividing marital assets and finances and draft a reply to him for any comments.

Any thoughts in the meantime? Not sure what he means by 'move on together...'

[Sotto]

So, a possible reply to H?

H, thanks for the suggestions. I also hope we can resolve things and move on together. I have seen a solicitor and don't feel I could make such big decisions without advice. Thanks for understanding this, and I'm sure you'll seek support if you feel you need to. She has advised that we only sell the house as part of a full financial settlement, with these steps -

*Full financial disclosure using form E
*Exchanging financial info
*Considering the full financial picture
*Agreeing a fair settlement
*Confirming this in a separation agreement

Like you, I hope to avoid any more hurt and I hope we can work this out together. I don't want a protracted dispute either - L is trained in 'collaborative law' actually. Hopefully we can both agree on a fair way forwards. Look forward to hearing from you H.

Toots

And my big query....is this the time for me to tell him I don't want us to D and that I hope we can be together again?? I haven't said this since last Autumn and have been acting 'as if.'

[Sotto]

If any Vets are passing by, I'd really welcome your advice. I'm just not sure what to do right now...