Getting back to me

[mustardseed]

Do you think we are both just waiting for the other to pull the trigger?

I am sitting here this morning fantasizing about what life will be when my marriage is over--and I am looking forward to it. I don't really think I will miss him at all. But I am still hung up on the fantasy of who I thought he was and the marriage I thought was possible with us. That is my ideal. But maybe it was all make-believe. I think I will survive and thrive without him. So why can't I just pull the trigger? What is holding me back? Disrupting the kids is a biggie, but they already have been disrupted and already know that moving in with grandma and grandpa is a real possibility. My aunt told my mother that d11 was talking about how excited she is to be able to baby sit for my cousin's kids once we move out there. At the same time when we are home she keeps saying how she doesn't want to move. I guess they feel a lot of the same back and forth emotions that I do. I really wish they didn't know so much.

I don't think I really want to fight for this marriage anymore. I think one of our biggest marital red flags that we are both non-action sort of people. Well, he is a Gemini and I am a Pisces-both mutable signs. Makes for a lot of indecision--if you believe that stuff. He is trying to make me go, and I am waiting for him to follow through with his words.

My parents are taking a cross country trip this spring. That might be a good time to start my exit plan. When the kids are done with school we can make it permanent. I really hate this.
We sucked at planning for our life together, and we are just as bad about planning for our lives apart. All because we both live in a world of avoidance and poor communication. When I would try and have a discussion with him about something I will get the vibe that he did not want to talk about it, and I would table it for when he was ready which never happened. This was the situation with finances, trips, weekend plans, anything big or small. The only time things got done was when it was a last minute--on a whim--decisions. And we both liked living that way until I realized it was causing major anxiety for me. Maybe I am the one who changed. I started trying to get a little more stability. I craved some sort of safety net or security blanket. And maybe he really feels way to confined when things need to be planned for. Maybe he just cannot handle predictablity and having some sort of a plan for future goals.

When I decided to make decisions and then just present them to him to avoid that cycle and get things done, he would just yes me, but not follow through. When I would just go ahead with things the way I though they should be, he would pull away and separate himself more from me. And then, if we fought, usually because I started pushing too hard and pushed the buttons to get ANY sort of reaction from him, positive or negative, things would blow up and I would get blamed for making all of the decisions. Why am I even fighting for this? Why do I think that he is anything different from who he has always been? The more I think about it the more I think that maybe he didn't change, maybe I did. Thinks went south once I started getting our finances in order. I didn't even touch his spending, all I did was make a plant to get the bills paid on time and plan for big bills coming up. And I hoped that once he got on board we could start planning for bigger things, like buying a home. But instead of it easing his stress he rebelled like a teenager. He gave me the money I needed to pay the bills, but started treating me like his mother.

Maybe this marriage really has nothing left for us?