God, I'm so depressed and feeling completely hopeless. Thank goodness I was able to be undetected in my feelings. W and I talked for about 5 mins tonight and it was loving and upbeat, but I didn't get bothered until much later. I will apologize now if I make some of you angry with this post and will understand if you never want to respond. Technically, I shouldn't be journaling in public but it is sometimes good because I get my ass kicked by Corri for being an idiot. Maybe someday, this will help somebody else.
1. HER MIND IS IN IT...HER HEART ISN'T I might have mentioned how I used to never go to bed with W. I'm a notorious night-owl and typically like to get to sleep around 2 am. and wake up at 8:30. I work out of my house so it doesn't really matter. But in the past few months, I have made a commitment to myself to be in the bed with her as she falls asleep. I also made a commitment to her that I wouldn't expect sex at night (unless it was planned) and that she would be completely in control of where our cuddling leads. I agreed not to make a stink about it either. So now, guess what...she falls asleep on the sofa at 9 pm. I asked her if this sudden urge to "crash" is possibly a defense mechanism. She assured me that it wasn't but her "eyes" indicated that it was a possibility. I'm sure this will require patience. Once again, I'm sure I need to chill out and be patient. But I'm really on the verge of giving up.
2. SHE WANTS THE LIST AGAIN I asked if she feels paranoid about living up to my expectations. She said she's very paranoid but recognizes this as her problem to work on...not mine, but she still wants a list know what the expectations are. HELP ME SOMEBODY WITH THIS!!!! I'm still very uncertain about this. I really want sex every few days and affectionate, sexual touching in between those days. A list will be like a bomb. She will know what my expectations are but I will also be setting us/her up for certain failure....I think.
3. I'M READING / THINKING WAY TOO MUCH When I read all the other LD women, I get very hopeless because it shows that "motivated" LDWs have trouble...to the point of coming here! When I read book, I get hopeless because they all claim to work. Every book I read talks about "successful comples". This now completely depresses me because I no longer believe it...the testimonials are always written with a different font so that the casual reader at the bookstore will get excited and buy the damn book. A book I have has a 28 day program where sex is encouraged almost every day with various things to make it fun. The whole back half is filled with success stories. I wonder how many felt an obligation to make it work because of the pressure to not let the author/publisher down. They hired a pulitzer prize winning photographer to shoot a "sad" before photo of the couples before they embarked on the program. Of course they will succeed, they want the "happy ending" photo. How many of these folks permanently renewed their love because of this book? I just need to stop reading but somehow my W needs to start acting like these LDW in here and do a little research of her own.
Sometimes I just want to W go into a soundproof room with divorced woman and have the woman completely unleash on her. Tell her how completely idiotic she is being for not putting 110% into this.
4. I THINK I SCREWED UP I tricked myself into feeling "in love" with her so that all my efforts would come naturally. Sure, she thinks I'm the cat's meow right now. She feels happier than ever now. But in reality, the idea of fixing her LD state a few months ago at a point when I was ED was her idea first. I should have kept cool and somewhat ED but the idea of renewed love lit me on fire. Maybe this was her reason for extinguishing her desire in the first place...I'm too "lovey". I'm an idiot for falling for the bait.
5. CONFLICTING MESSAGES I'm getting conflicting messages..."don't pressure her, but go to therapy". WTF....even if I get therapy for myself...that's pressure on her because it indicates that something is seriously wrong. Or..."real progress happens when work on yourself, but ask W to read (a book)...actually buy 2 copies so you can read it together, then buy a third copy for a friend."
6. TO REVERT OR NOT TO REVERT I really might just quit this effort and (try to) go back to the old routine. I was considering hiring a cycling coach to work with me this season but I put my racing ambitions on hold because the training would draw me away from the family. I was thinking that I should make the "ssm repair" a priority but keep riding and do an occasional race. Instead, maybe I need to hire this guy and just forget about all this. She was completely happy with our situation last year and seems to consider this "new life" as gravy. Maybe I'm not creating a paradise for her with this. I wanted to earmark all my fun money towards the M too. She says she loves the "new me" but maybe it's coming with a boatload of pressure too. Maybe the key is to eliminate the pressure somehow. But HOW? I'm not asking her to do anything (anymore). She's obviously associating my actions with a big message that she needs to work on her LD issues. (Crap...I'm starting to make sense...I was hoping that I could just have an angry outburst tonight, then go to sleep, but crap, I'm getting that damn insight stuff again. My original version of this post had me screaming up a storm.) Maybe I should just be more helpful around the house and leave it at that.
7. THIS IS A BAD ONE I'm now asking myself a very hard question...why do I love someone I'm completely opposite of. I like the outdoors, day trips, sunshine, physical activity. She likes staying home all weekend, eating in, no sun, no physical activity. I set goals and achieve them. She has never set a goal, but whines about not achieving anything. Her kindness and niceness have made up for all of these things. Her lack of passion and conflict has made our house extremely peaceful. She runs the house better than anyone I've ever met and she's a great mother. I should consider myself lucky for these good things...but I would trade most of these attributes in for a passionate love-life. I used to take so much crap from an employer simply because I liked the fact that they provided free juice and soda, had no dress code, and would occasionally throw me a perk. Work should simply be about the big things like money and hours. Why is it that I choose to stay with someone when I'm essentially being underpaid and overworked? At this point it is strictly out of duty as a father, peer pressure, fear of the uncertainty, guilt, lack of money to afford a D. In the WAW examples, the W nags, then stops, then the H thinks everything is great...then bam, the W leaves. I'm seeing this possibility because I think my "effort" is essentially the same as "nagging" because she is interpreting it as "pressure" to do something.
This aspect is killing me...I'm trying to reconnect with W only to find out that she's not someone I should be interested in. This effort might have been a mistake. Only time will tell. Maybe I need to spend my cycling coach money on getting my dick removed.
Ok, there it is...I've officially made myself look completely insane. How can I go from a "bliss" last friday night to complete depression on Monday. As my fuel tank goes down, my anger and stress go way up. I have never raised my voice at my W, actually we've never fought in 10 years of marriage, but now I just want to unleash a holy hailstorm of angry words in her direction and have her feel the pain inside me. But if I did, I would then have to apologize, admit that I'm a dickhead for getting out of control and take responsibility. Because after all...this is obviously all my fault.
