I thought everything was okay....(Part 4)

[MCS]

V,

Thanks for the recommendation, I guess I do have a question for you though?

What traits do you see in me that you feel I have these tendencies? I did some quick Wiki reading on it and i do see some areas that I exhibit, but there are many that I feel are actually opposite of my personality.

Things I see that are attributes of mine

1) Rescuer, care-giver, (I see this in all areas of my life, including work)
2) Finds (some) identity in how others feel
3) Subordinating one's well-being for others (although I never have felt like I'm a martyr or anything like that) I just get satisfaction in seeing other's happy

Things that I feel pretty strongly I don't exhibit (or in some cases see that the opposite is a strength of mine

1) Intense/unstable interpersonal relationships
2) Inability to tolerate being alone (I prefer to be this way sometimes)
3) Feelings of boredom/emptiness
4) Dishonesty/denial
5) Low self worth (actually quite the opposite)

So at IC this week, I did ask her. "MCS has been here for 6 months dealing with Grief counseling, focused at R with my W. I'm at the point....what do you think of MCS's as a person?"

At that point is where she said she see's my desire to 'help' and in some cases put my pain aside to do it for others. She explained to a pretty uncanny degree where I think the core issue was in the marriage. This is not a 'fault' of mine but something that another friend of mine explained to me. She said that since she's just heard my side, it appears that W was less sure of the path her life was going and to an extent, I 'helped' her stay synced with me, with having similar goals in our marriage/life. However, W seems to have struggled with fitting into this path. However, MCS was standing, guiding and the stability while W was being to struggle internally. However, she didn't know how to get 'out' and deal with it. Letting MCS in to the solution would only reinforce what she was struggling with in the first place, dependency on MCS. ICS said to me "MCS trying to help (even now) is causing her to feel more unsafe/unsure in herself and she will continue to push you away, remember that when you are trying to help" Those are pretty tough words to hear.

It helped, but I went back to my old self when wife showed me all of her pain and anger inadvertently. I was saying to her to not do this alone, go find folks to talk to. Everyone that I suggested, W angrily said they don't care, except for Sis.

I don't know how to stop that, I was confident, didn't beg, didn't pursue other than saying I wouldn't take things forward to D, this is her decision. I know the answer is be detached, but it went out the door when I saw her struggling.