It's terribly unfortunate, too, that as I look back over the years I see how poorly I prioritized her wants, needs, and interests, and how much I took her love for granted. I never hurt her, but I was just abysmal at showing her how much I treasured her. Although I acknowledge, recognize, and accept that her having an affair is not my fault, I see with painful clarity just how my behavior made an affair not only possible, not only inevitable, but irresistible to her.
I could have written that paragraph. These things don't occur in a vacuum. There's something missing in the relationship that sets the stage. In my sitch, I got wrapped up in my own issues and made her feel alone. I didn't realize how much we had grown apart and how lonely she really was. She may have not even realized it either until OM came along and filled those needs. But do remember she was the one who made the decision to have an A. Your W could have worked on your issues, like an adult, with you - TOGETHER - but instead she chose to invite another man into the mix.
Quote:
The irony is that when she told me ILYBNILWY-- about a week ago-- she said that she wanted to make the decision "based on what's between you and me, and not because I have another guy waiting in the wings." But as long as the OM occupies her every waking moment, there is and can be nothing between us.
One rule of DR is to not believe anything that they say. I'll bet the farm that her attachment to OM is driving this. When my W fell in love with OM, suddenly our entire life together, both decades, had been hell for her the entire time. I just found it interesting that in all our hellish marriage, it never dawned on her to leave me until OM showed up.
She rewrote history. Even though we had been mostly happy, or at least content, raised two wonderful children together, paid off all our debts, took wonderful vacations, and enjoyed many special moments, we suddenly were fundamentally incompatible with each other, according to her. Woven in among her legitimate complaints about me were totally goofy made up "issues". She used the fact that I read books more than she does as "proof" we weren't meant for each other. Your W will take any issue between you, no matter how small, as justification for her behavior.
At the height of her affair fog, she actually thought that OM would leave his wife, whisk her off to a state she's never even visited, and live happily ever after. The same woman who refused to live more than 90 miles away from her mother for our entire marriage was suddenly ready to uproot her entire life and move 800 miles away for this schmuck. He was her knight in shining armor, rescuing her from her miserable existence. The fact that he had cheated on his wife two other times, by his own admission, didn't phase her. Surely with her it would be different. She hasn't completely gotten him out of his head, but even now she shakes her head at some of the things she said back then.
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But I've got to GAL... I've got to get myself out there and keep busy. I can't control her. All I can help is myself.
Bingo.
T: 10 yrs M: 7 yrs Me: 43 Her: 31 EA discovered Nov '14 D demanded two weeks ago [/quote]
Last edited by Rzrback; 03/05/1510:41 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
