All the reading I was doing was really getting me down. Reading the "tactic" post was good because it gave me an idea of what I should be doing with my therapy. We are so new to this that it's good to know all the steps so I can set goals. The idea of "drawing" people to you versus "pulling" and "pushing" is the greatest idea but also very scary for someone who is used to getting things their way.
Anyway, I read Aquarian's post and visited the marriage builder site and studied some of that. He add's "shared recreation" to the list of LLs. This upset me because my W and I so very different. I'm completely into extreme sports that she would never be able to do, but that doesn't prevent me from taking the family to a beginner mountain bike trail. Mountain biking is my primary hobby and gives me great pleasure. W hates the heat, sweat, the outdoors and being away from the house. I like to eat out, she doesn't etc. The point this doctor makes is that you should be in each others company when one of you is experiencing joy. Nice thought. So I pondered this all afternoon. I had written another post which I previewed but never posted because I had gotten walked in on by W. This post was the most negative one I had ever written because some of the things I read made me think that maybe I had fallen out of love with her and that my respect and admiration of her clouded this fact. That's a tough one to swallow.
THIS EVENING
I got busted!!!!!
Actually this was perfect. I was wathcing TV with W and began to walk near me, I switched the screen to Google. I think all the time I've been on my laptop was making her suspicious so she jokingly reached down and pulled up a search history to see what I've been searching on. Luckily there was nothing bad at all in this search form. There was "The Marriage Bed" which is the first thing she saw and mentioned. She couldn't have picked a better one because it's a christian website about building marriages through biblically sound sexual practices. (note: I'm fairly agnostic, so this really impressed her). I guess in the big picture, getting busted for surfing "relationship improvement" sites is probably not a bad thing. I was however, blushing and began to sweat. I actually need to hide the fact that I'm posting on these forums because she is just about to complete SSM and I would be very concerned if she read this journal because it might freak her out to see so much personal stuff on here.
So after she wiped the sweat off of my blushing forehead, she got the conversation going about this stuff and we a had a very nice, positive conversation. I told her how I was voraciously researching everything I can find to better myself, make myself more desirable, and develop the tools necessary to maintain a great relationship with her. I briefly told her why I was a little moody earlier in the day...that something I read was very "tough" and challenging . She says I'm making great progress, that she loves the "new me" and that her desire is actually coming back because I've been so "inclusive" with the family and good to them lately. This indicates that she wasn't necessarily lacking desire, but that she was withholding it. She probably lost some desire by virtue of not having sex but it might come back hopefully. I asked if she had any "desirous thoughts" about me while I was out of town, and I assured her that it wouldn't hurt my feelings if she didn't. She said that she couldn't sleep because my absence was making her feel unsettled. (I should have told that the solution to that is masturbation ...there's a nice thought). I told her that I had 2 new books which each approach "sexual healing" through different ways. The first is a Tantric book for men which has great things in it. It reinforces the SSM book that simply being together strengthens the bond and it recommends a daily "devotion" of 5-10 minutes of being "physically connected without movement"...just breathing. Sure the Tantra stuff is a little bit new agey, but there were some great principles and practical advice. The second book I got was the Great American Sex Diet which has a 28 program and looks really fun but it's probably too much for W right now. Once again though, it reinforces the SSM idea of "doing it". What makes this book special is the before and after photos of average, real couples...extremely nice to see an old grey couple in love. I tried to get a read on which direction she would like to take our sex-life. I probably need to let her read them in a few months and decide for herself which direction to go.
Once again, she was wiped out tonight..couldn't make it through her favorite show on TV. This was better that trying to go to bed together and then having her doze off with me. She was truly tired and I respect that. we had a couple passionate kisses on the sofa which were very nice.
Wow, what a day. Getting a chance to talk about this stuff with W is really good...I get a similar "release" as I do when ML . Now I'm too tired, Nighty night.
...there's a nice thought). I told her that I had 2 new books which each approach "sexual healing" through different ways. The first is a Tantric book for men which has great things in it. It reinforces the SSM book that simply being together strengthens the bond and it recommends a daily "devotion" of 5-10 minutes of being "physically connected without movement"...just breathing. Sure the Tantra stuff is a little bit new agey, but there were some great principles and practical advice. The second book I got was the Great American Sex Diet which has a 28 program and looks really fun but it's probably too much for W right now. Once again though, it reinforces the SSM idea of "doing it". What makes this book special is the before and after photos of average, real couples...extremely nice to see an old grey couple in love. I tried to get a read on which direction she would like to take our sex-life. I probably need to let her read them in a few months and decide for herself which direction to go.
