I agree...H is doing the best he can. I've caught him saying a lot of disparaging things about himself/comparison to me. He's frustrated that in his words, "you process faster, move faster, think better" and out MC has been working on us to respect each other's differences - that as an introvert and 'pointer', being abstract as he is, he'll say as few words as he thinks he needs to and needs time and space in a conversation. As an extrovert, 'painter', and out loud processor, I will be wordy. But he can choose to be patient and 'overcommunicate' and I can be patient and get to a point he can wrap his head around.
I thought this morning a lot about the reality of people changing. H has had this mindset for years. He said to be last night, sadly, that with our similar backgrounds he thought we'd be able to relate. Well, we did. In the beginning. Someone that has suffered an abusive or substance abusive household will have places in their heart that are unrecognizable to others that had stability. I said to him that we did relate, but we just came to different conclusions from our experiences. What I didn't say - I'm not interested in my past defining me. It taught me, but it was my choice what to do with it. I didn't say this to him though, bc the implication is that he's 'less' for being (choosing) to keep making excuses around it.
He's also said many times he is trying, trying to choose life, trying to be happy. He just hasn't found the tools yet. I heard his IC say to him that it is a cognitive style of his that is keeping him from moving forward, not the depression. You can almost see the fog.
However...
Last night he drove in both directions somewhere, his idea. That was huge. He's going to yoga, trying to reap the spiritual and physical benefits. Also huge. I have to recognize that he is trying to take care of himself. Just bc he's not moving at my speed or doing things I'd list as priorities...wasn't that one of my goals on the beginning of this thread, not to see him thru my values?
So. I called him a bit ok to ask how he was, checking in. Sounded like he was calmer thanked me for the call and for thinking of him. He said he would go to MC on Monday with me, and we have some plans for a good time with friends tonight.
I picked up a card for him with messages of support and encouragement.
Earlier I wrote that I was seeing that I could change the dance, and I am trying to be consistent in that approach.
I suppose, like V said, I'll know when standing isn't working any more. I have to be realistic as much as I am hopeful. All this change and efforts costs a great amount, and it's natural to wonder if maybe there is someone out in the world who shares my values, where they aren't set up to be in such conflicting positions?
You are right about the eggshells I feel. Feels miserable and so one sided despite the 2-3 times H has let me lean on him. He admitted his batting avg to this point is more 300 to 3 this year.
I am scared to give up and turn toward D. If I get right down to it, it's fear of frying pan to the fire. I've looked at egg freezing risks, costs, realities and I just feel like it's a big marketing ploy to play on fears of women like me. I fear I'm losing the chance to build the family I want if I give up but I fear that I'm in a losing situation sometimes, that change and progress and hope here is not moving with my body.
I fear that I'm all over the place in how I regard my H, and I don't know if that is something within me, or that is an honest acceptable set of feelings in response to what I see as unstable in him. Where to draw the line between self-improvement and just saying the grass may well be greener elsewhere?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
