Well I can't seem to get away from this tonight. I just keep reading. I read tim47s thread about being back with no real change after a year which really bummed me out. It linked to this post by monk which then took me to the Last Resort Tactic .
One of the things that bothers me is Cemar's quoting Dr. Laura. I've always thought she was a freak and my W does too. BUT, that could be used to my advantage if I ever said that "Dr. Laura says that LD women never get their drive back". It might be a challenge to my W to at least do everything to try because my W would want to prove Dr. Laura wrong.
But really, the most significant read had to be the Last Resort Tactic. In some ways this validated some of the things I'm doing in the area of working on myself and making myself become as magnetic as possible. This was a tactic I thought of along time ago when I started considering having an affair...if I can attract strangers, then I should be able to attract my W right? And if W isn't attracted...her loss. I know there are a couple flawed attitudes there so don't kill me. But the other things about trying to "pull" W in versus "drawing" them in is something I need to hear. I'm spending a huge amount of energy trying to get W to change without appearing like I'm doing anything except improving myself. The change I need to make is subtle...I will just avoid dealing with the issues even more and avoid making passive aggressive statements.
This morning, after my W rejected my advance in bed, she asked if her (imaginary) "scorecard's" "minus" column is bigger than the "plus" column. I informed her that I don't keep a scorecard for "her"...that I keep one for the "relationship". This indicates that some of my recent confrontations have put her in the mindset that I'm keeping score. This is something I was afraid of. There's a sense of "adversary". How do I fix this now. I guess I just get better at keeping crap to myself by writing it here. Deal with my own pain. Wait until she is either "drawn" into Dave2.0 or not. Then I start making hard decisions.
My trip to DC was really good because it gave me a break. Usually business travel is stressful, but this time it was a holiday from worrying if I'm executing perfectly at home. Trust me...nobody knows if you fart in your hotel room (except the neighbor if it's a really loud one). Seriously though, I hope I can keep traveling because it helps me keep perspective. This past trip I was much less interested in putting myself in front of women but I still caught myself giving the "flirty eye" to women. This is probably more for practice than anything else. I did feel less interested in "scoring" with any of them. I'm back to simply enjoying the "vibes" that come from flirting.
In monk's post, I saw an idea where one person gets counseling without the other. That seems fairly "last resort" too because my W would assume I'm just dealing with my own issues, that I was "broken", then she wouldn't be attracted anymore. If she was completely "gone", it would be much easier, but there seems to be just enough desire that I should really stick to non-invasive self-repair.
I hate sounding hopeless, especially after a night of very good sex. I also hope there are lots of success stories that never came to this site but whose situation was identical to ours because I've only seen a couple stories...most of which required a separation. Maybe some couples just address this with a more upbeat approach to therapy like using the "Great American Sex Diet" which I bought in DC (on sale!). Looks cute, but not sure when / if to drop it on W. It advocates 28 days of uninhibited intimacy. Looks much better (therapeutically) than my 52 nights scratch-off cards. Darn. What's funny is that books like these and the "technique" ones usually have the exact same message as SSM, but in 3 pages. Maybe some LDWs would prefer to simply get a quick overview, then work through the "fun" solutions without feeling so overwhelmed with the repetitive "points" in SSM. Don't get me wrong though, SSM was perfect for letting me show my LDW how I was feeling.
