Card29 X - Let It Be

[Card29]

No apologies necessary. Everyone walks their own path, but so many paths here are amazingly similar.

Do not give up hope if that's what your heart desires! That is not foolish. But follow the advice uRworthy once gave me:

You can have hope. Nothing wrong with that. You can have it. You just dont want to live in it, ya know?

That phrase really resonated with me. I hope it helps you.

Also, don't follow my lead with the chasing, begging and pleading...I was a habitual pursuer! I don't know how many it helped or hurt my sitch, but it definitely harmed me. It just held me back somewhat. Of course, I would have needed several months to process this loss even if I had followed the DB script to a t. But that didn't help. Don't be discouraged by failures, though. You're not going to blow your chances for reconciliation with a few DB slip-ups

I'm so sorry that our first holiday season as a mother was like that. There is not much I can promise you with your sitch. But here is one thing I feel confident saying, if you can stick with the ideas here: Your 2015 holiday season will be much better, as far as your sitch and your emotions regarding it.

[Card29]

WAW is meeting with a L to start the D process tomorrow. We are still amicable. Unless she throws a curveball, there will be no arguing over assets or D2. We've already split what little assets we had, and we both agree to 50/50 custody with a flexible schedule on which we plan and agree ourselves. Hopefully there are no surprises. I'm woefully uninformed about this process, so I'm going to do some reading. I'm in KY, in case anyone has some specific helpful info.

[SunnyB]

Card it sounds like you are doing the best you can for yourself and your D. Nobody gains when Xs continue to fight. I've seen that first hand through a couple of friends. They are financially ruined and their kids are really messed up. No one needs that. So kudos to you.

[Card29]

I've seen a lot of that, too. People bitter and miserable 10-20 years later. I've known from the beginning that I didn't want that, no matter what.

[Card29]

I'm supposed to get something in the mail from the L soon.

[Card29]

Some updates:

- I feel great, have for the last week+, since the pick-me-up from uR and others

- I haven't seen or heard from the L yet although I know she met with her

- I'm switched over to insurance through my company. D2 remains on WAW's

- I don't have D2 for the rest of the week, so I'm taking a couple days off work and driving to the Keys. Escaping the bad weather that's coming! Going by myself - solitude. My phone will mostly be off.

- I have a tentative date next week with my salsa instructor from the fall, and I had a 5 hour conversation with another girl last night. Neither are sis' BFF. For now this is just for fun.

- Sis told me that her BFF broke up with her BF/fling and encouraged me to ask her out again. I told her that I'm still really interested in her but I don't think now is the best time for either of us, and especially her. I've had such a change of heart from the fall/summer when thinking of a potential new girl. I thought I was ready to immediately start a new, life-long R, and that all I needed to do was find her. Now I realize that I need some single time and even a few dates.

- I booked some flights for our California trip in May/June. WAW was not thrilled with the fact that we'll be in Cali on D2's 3rd birthday, and also the weekends before and after. I validated her feelings and told her that I did not intend to block out her birthday. I didn't even think about it. But if we were going to go on this trip (which WAW was generally okay with), this was the only week which worked for all parties that are traveling or hosting.

- We set the D2 calendar out through June. We've went from 3-day rotations to 4-day rotations, now we're up to 5-days. I know we will eventually get to 1-week rotations, which WAW still says "no" to. But long term, it will be so much easier to plan and execute, especially when she's in school.

[uRworthy]

Hey Freddy..you sound great. So happy for you.

I know you know that there will be some feelings to process when the divorce gets rolling.

But I think you are in a great place to be able to handle them. All part of this journey.

You are doing wonderfully, my friend.

[Vanilla]

Card

I will read your thread so I can post to you as I really am unhappy posting without knowing a sitch.

It was your observations on Mza thread about the man cave thread that worried me a little, I can understand the earlier postings on that thread had some merit but the nature of some of the later postings was concerning to me. Frankly much of the content appeared unbalanced and I for one reported a couple of postings for unpleasantness. I have read No More Mr Nice Guy. Have you read it? It is sound too.

I am not a member of the male sex but am a member of the human race and I felt some of the observations made were boundary infringements to my humanity. We all have the masculine and feminine traits within us and are allowed to express and hold our beliefs without being demeaned. We communicate as spirit to spirit and such communication is intimate and without bias. In many cases card the difference between the sexes are not even significantly significant.

For that reason I welcome to my threads those who are kind enough to post or enjoy my company. In others I choose to limit my posting to those who are hospitable on their threads and open to discuss issues with a variety of DBers both male female and in same sex relationships, those of different races ages and backgrounds. Same as in life if we only mix with those like ourselves, then our views are reinforced by similarity whether correct or not.

You mentioned that certain aspects of the man cave were enlightening to you, perhaps we can open that out on your thread. what exactly was it that opened your eyes or gave you new insight?
V

[Card29]

uR, I really am doing well. Just finished a solo, 5 day, 2,500 mile, open-ended road trip. I was worried I would be lonely or bored, but I noticed that I was really starting to unwind and find perspective towards the end of it. I think I really could have used 2 weeks and 6,000 miles! But I was glad to get back to D2, plus I'm out of vacation days haha

Vanilla, thanks for responding. Sorry that the man cave, or some ideas on it, got out of hand. As far as what was enlightening to me, it was some specific advice from jcred regarding what he has found attractive and unattractive for women. I don't intend to be a pick-up artist, so I'm not looking for ways to score on a Friday night. And I no longer believe WAW left me simply because she found me "unattractive" -- there were many issues, some out of my control. With that said, I obviously was misdirected as I was growing into an adult for what many women want.

I didn't lack confidence when I met and started dating WAW. But she was very strong-willed and also very easily upset. Some of the smallest purterbations would cause a day or a trip to be ruined. On the other hand, I am extremely easy-going and began defaulting to her opinion or decision more and more frequently. Eventually, she simply "wore the pants". I thought I was being the perfect little H, but now I know that most women don't want their man to be like that. I'm not saying I need to dominate whoever I'm with next, but I don't want to go back to being that guy. The man cave didn't really enlighten all of that by itself -- I'd read it and seen it in many places since June. But some of the things he said, since they were coming from such a personal level, stuck with me.

Other parts of the man cave were just reminders to me of how I was before things starting getting muddy with WAW years ago. I used to be confident and make girls laugh. I was also reminded that real women aren't super attracted to the stereotypical, emotion-pouring, heart-on-sleeve, crying-in-a-rainstorm-outside-of-their-bedroom-window guys from Hollywood chick flicks. I'm not saying I've ever been that extreme! But it was a practical reminder not to even walk down a path like that, especially early in a courtship.

[uRworthy]

Oh man, a long road trip...that sounds like so much fun. Where did you go? See anything great?