Hopeless in NYC

[eclipse]

Eclipse - It sounds like things are going well. What are you implementing that supports her behavior? Do you think you are doing all you can?

The things that seem to pique her interest is my actually going out and interacting with the world in some way. Traveling somewhere, making playdates and interacting with people, etc. I guess it's the stuff she felt was missing in our lives when I was really depressed/withdrawn.

[mahhhty]

Makes sense. The idea that you have accepted what is going on and are moving on. She will feel like she is loosing you and the mysteriousness of your life will impact her.

Do you think you are doing all you can? Are you implementing change in any of the areas she identified?

[eclipse]

Do you think you are doing all you can? Are you implementing change in any of the areas she identified?

No, I don't think so. I'm going to move out of this crappy apartment. That would address the following persistent concerns:

* W has to act as "mommy" (in her own words) and push me to do anything with my life
* me always sticking to the same thing
* not providing for family in ways other than monetary

This place really blows. It's noisy, seedy surroundings, D can't really live in the second bedroom for various reasons, and the bathroom ceiling collapsed on me once when I was showering. W and I both complained a lot about it, but even though I was showing some initiative with moving out last year, I was indecisive and didn't carry through.

[mahhhty]

eclipse - Those are physical/environmental changes. What about your behavior to her?

[eclipse]

eclipse - Those are physical/environmental changes. What about your behavior to her?

I don't think so. I'm not really sure what to change or if anything should be changed at all, for that matter. Or maybe I don't fully understand what you mean. Remember, I'm maintaining as little contact as possible--speak when spoken to.

[mahhhty]

I think her response is to be expected. At least I can relate, my X was the same.

I'm looking to you to identify what you believed enabled her reaction of getting a D. You are not a victim, you did contribute to the demise. All I have seen your write about is being withdrawn, perhaps I missed it. But laying out all the items she may believe will help you focus on things to become better and react in different ways to the situations that will face. By reacting differently than you always have she will notice. Actions speak louder than words.

I will use myself as the example...

My X would say that I was. Short tempered/Overreact, Condescending/Overbearing, Withdrawn, etc

I am addressing being...
Short Tempered, by learning how to be patient. I read a book on how to implement techniques to give myself space so I don't overreact. I am trying to implement those.
Condescending, by learning how to validate a person's feelings and emotions and trying to become a better listener...
Etc

[eclipse]

I think her response is to be expected. At least I can relate, my X was the same.

I'm looking to you to identify what you believed enabled her reaction of getting a D. You are not a victim, you did contribute to the demise. All I have seen your write about is being withdrawn, perhaps I missed it. But laying out all the items she may believe will help you focus on things to become better and react in different ways to the situations that will face. By reacting differently than you always have she will notice. Actions speak louder than words.

I will use myself as the example...

My X would say that I was. Short tempered/Overreact, Condescending/Overbearing, Withdrawn, etc

I am addressing being...
Short Tempered, by learning how to be patient. I read a book on how to implement techniques to give myself space so I don't overreact. I am trying to implement those.
Condescending, by learning how to validate a person's feelings and emotions and trying to become a better listener...
Etc

I haven't learned anything. W has been using the expression "move forward," and it's been annoying the crap out of me, so I asked where she got it from, except the way I asked was actually attacking her (insinuating she's not creative enough to come up with it on her own). So she got it from a self-help book--the kind I've always criticized her for wasting time on. Then I attacked her again by asking her how much she read about improving the marriage as opposed to ending it (disapproving of her personal activities). Missed opportunity to connect.

I'm failing here.

[eclipse]

W called to tell me about D being sick and possible impact to my plans tomorrow. Reminded me to take her name off the bills because (and, oh by the way) she rented a new place. From bad to worse.

[eclipse]

"I never loved you. Everything after the first year was a mistake." "We can be friends in the future." "If D ends up hating me, too bad." "No amount of therapy will ever help you, it's in your DNA." "I only stayed with you because I couldn't support myself."

I can't. Being a sensitive person isn't helping the situation, but still...how do people survive this? I've started to experience severe anxiety in my sleep when I dream about her. She used to be an angel. Now it feels like she's the angel of death. There's no anger to her voice, but the things she says cut the soul.

[eclipse]

Has anyone successfully used medication to stay calm? It's kinda hard to pick kind, supportive words during a conversation when your heart is racing and you feel on edge.