20th Thread -- The Undiscovered Country

[TSquared2]

Quick update, I've been very busy cutting the last cords from the D...

House re-fi hopefully will go through, I won't get enough equity (thanks to too much neglect in maintenance of "curb appeal" the past 5 years) to make any major difference in knocking down the debt. After spending a lot of time on Dave Ramsey's and Mr. Money Mustache's sites, I decided to take the cash out and put it into the emergency savings account so that I will have a few months of the basic living expenses covered and also so when those things in life come up like car repair, etc, I won't have to use credit.

I found a debt reduction spreadsheet template online using the "snowball" method, and using that, if I can stick to it, I should be debt free in less than 3 years.

Taxes are going to the CPA (had to use a 3rd party because of the D). Hoping not too much will be owed, and the Head of Household deduction I can take because she was gone for 9 months will help, and the donations from de-hoarding.... lol!

The kids are doing very well, youngest made honors society and they are thriving at school, with friends, hobbies and interests.

February was a less than optimal month with the D being signed sealed and delivered, then the following week I got booted out of the band. My part in that was I didn't practice enough, just didn't push myself after making dinner, cleaning, homework help, getting re-fi and tax paperwork together, etc. I owned that. The other part is that the music was really one guys compositions, and my natural playing style didn't mesh very well, and it felt like I was just trying to play along with a record. Not much creativity for me. We remain friends though (amazing what this DB journey has done for me). It did help get me through the past year... so it was worthwhile.

The former drummer and I are tossing around starting a jazz project... some cool jazz mixed with other influences, sorta like Miles Davis in the 70's-90's... but lots of free form creativity, lots of swing...he and I locked in the pocket well, could anticipate where the other was going to go next, so could be good

So all in all, life is very good, not perfect, but...still thriving.

And in exW news...lol... some post cards (via text) from the tunnel after I told her about NW...

"Just figured out the best way to describe it... your lights burns so bright I couldn't see mine... I need to be in my own darkness to find my light ...and find what will fuel it and make it shine as bright ...hope this helps ...will always love you ..thank you for everything :)"

"And being with other men only showed me I had more to discover about myself ...and that I needed exposure to others alone to expand and get to all that I am... not to find someone better than you... I was just a flicker of myself ~not your fault... you kept me from burning out completely"

"Ok ..I should have included talking to other guys... the online thing"

"Here's Another metaphor I think suits it as well...
You took this caterpillar and put her gently in the tree of yor care, protection and love... where she evetually built her cocoon... and now it's time to finish her transformation into a butterfly but that means leaving the tree...."

I didn't reply to any of those... nothing new there, kinda a recycle of a theme that has recurred the past 3 years. A few months ago it was a different reason, and before that yet another... And it pretty much tells me that I made the correct choice in letting go and moving on. I did consider replying to the butterfly thingy: "Watch out for windshields, grilles and bumpers!" But, I didn't, trying to keep that CHD thing going...but my natural smart-a$$ side was so tempted...

I need to fully let go of the idea of getting "closure".

I can't believe how much better my life is without her in it now...just amazes me sometimes...yet makes me a little sad too sometimes.

I look back now, from this side, and laugh at myself, what was I so afraid of??

Oh wait, that's one purpose of the LBS journey.