I don't even get anything like that. My wife acts like nothing is wrong. She never approaches me to talk about anything. I'm not sure what to make of your situation last night. All I can say is this stuff really stinks sometimes. I gave up on trying to figure it out!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Last night could have been an opportunity to validate - Yes, it is hard - it's hard for all of us etc. Lying there stonefaced won't support your aim of getting back together, and may reinforce your W's view that what she is doing is right for her.
Have you had a look at Wonka's validation cheat sheet my friend? Read it and use as much as you can!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
There was a lot more interaction than me being stone faced. I did do a lot of validating. Maybe I should have given the blow by blow but I'm busy at work today, and for me saying I'm stone faced means, I didn't try too hard or get angry. Which is what I would have done in the past, she talked for almost 30 mins, I would have talked over her and told her how her feelings were not appropriate and that she was wrong to feel that way. I listened mostly (stone faced trying not to get emotional because what we were discussing is incredibly tough for me and her) to her and talked to her about how we have to work together and that my parents will always welcome her to family parties, that she will always be welcome at my parents home and that we will need to be at birthdays, and events in the future together. That no matter what happens we will have to put our children first and work together most likely needing to have better communication than we had in the past.
Sorry I should have typed it all out.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
We had a discussion last night about out son who acted out in school again yesterday. W veered into R talk. I listened and validated her feelings about the past. Shes still talking to OM at the office. She's not calling or texting and said she's abiding by my request in the house, yeah right. It was difficult to hear what she said next, she doesn't want to tell me anything but said she may at some point. She went from saying that she will go out and see if she can do it on her own, that she doesn't need me she is strong but knows she will miss me and it will be hard and she said maybe she'll find out what she can do.
She said the hardest part is knowing that I am loyal and that she will not find someone like me because men are dogs. Sickening what came next I presume she was probing to check me but said at some point she may introduce OM to kids. I told her that would be a hurtful mistake to make with our children. Further that he is still married. I asked what did her future hold and she told me she didn't know but knew she didn't want to be with me anymore that she needed to try being by herself.
She told me that I'm a good looking man and that I would find someone and soon get over her. She said "you'll have many women after you. You're a good catch." I told her I doubted that he because I'm not looking for OW nor do I intend to. It was very difficult to listen to her.
I was cool and calm and let her continue for some time she talked about how she didn't want to go out with me because I had embarrassed her in public ( getting angry or one time when I had an old childhood friend in town many years ago having a bit too much to drink) in the past and I validated that I had been a jerk from time to time and it must have been hurtful to her but I had apologized years ago for the incident but it was clear she was clinging to resentments for things that happened many years ago. Once I realized that she was still clinging to things that happened 7-10 years ago I knew there was little to say from my end so I just let her get it out. We've had these discussions years ago. She also said she told me many times I had to change or she would leave. I told her that I made a mistake of not hearing what she was saying that I always took it as fighting and I was wrong to not take her feelings to heart.
She said maybe at some point in the future she will tell me everything that has happened but not now. She couldn't do it. This was as it relates to all she had done in her A. She said but you probably won't want to hear it or care at that time. I told her that I didn't know what the future had in store that my life will most likely never be the same.
I think she was trying to hurt me again. I think she was trying to test me again. I am getting sick of being treated this way.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Yeah what I found out yesterday is that she is having contact with him. I did not make an issue out of it as I did not want to start a fight, I wanted her to talk and tell me some things, and this is what I heard from her. She claims just not in the house as I requested, which I'm certain is a lie, she's just hiding it better. She's not ending it. It's a real slap to the face yesterday. A wake up call that it's going to be incredibly difficult to think I can save R/M at this point. The only thing I can think of at this point is divorce or separate get her out and make her deal with it. Then sit back and see what happens.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
She said maybe at some point in the future she will tell me everything that has happened but not now. She couldn't do it. This was as it relates to all she had done in her A. She said but you probably won't want to hear it or care at that time. I told her that I didn't know what the future had in store that my life will most likely never be the same.
I think she was trying to hurt me again. I think she was trying to test me again. I am getting sick of being treated this way.
She was temp checking. Know what that is? To see if she still had you emotionally in her hip pocket. I am so glad you did not reassure her you would always love her and be there for her, no matter what......like some LBH's do. She was fishing for that type of answer.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I've completely stopped saying anything about love or R and am no longer the one bringing up R stuff, each time this week she has been the one to do it. I am moving on as far as she's concerned. My session with IC helped a bit this week.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
