Getting back to me

[mustardseed]

I have been better keeping my emotions in check. My birthday was a couple of weeks ago and I was a bit emotional in the morning, but then made a decision to grow up and let go. I have been trying really hard to just act as if. I don't even know what I want. If this is it, I want it done. If there is still a chance--I want it to work out. Our anniversary was the same week as my birthday and it passed without mention.

A couple of days ago he asked me why I am still here. Not sure if I handled it right or wrong, but it was honest and from the heart. I started off by saying that I really don't like who he is right now but I don't believe this version of him is the real him, and when the decent guy I married returns I hope to still be here for him. And I mentioned about how his friends are getting divorced so I think he is hearing all of the awful ways that their husbands treated them to make them want to leave, and he is trying to do all those awful things to me so I'll do his dirty work and make it easy for him.

Then I kind of changed course.

He is into sports I thought a sports analogy was fitting. I said that I know we haven't been playing our best and we have been taking hits from life but I meant what I said when I took my vows and until I am convinced the game is over I am not going to walk off that field. I said that I am surprised that he went right from being "I love you and we are fine. It is my job that is the problem" to "This isn't working I want a divorce" without even seeing if there is a way to turn this game around. I said something about how I am surprised how with his athletes he makes a big deal about being a team and playing your hardest until the game is over, yet he is ready to just walk off the field in the middle of the game on the most important team of his life. I said that if he feels that quitting is what is best for him, then he can go right ahead--but I am not going to be the one walking off the field until I am sure the game is over.

He hasn't said anything about it. The past few days he clenches up and gets a really angry look on his face whenever I am in the room. The more I think about it the more I wonder why HE is still here? If he is so certain he wants this done why hasn't he taken any steps to make it happen?

I still think so many things will be better if we divorced. But if we can get on the same page they will be fantastic! Maybe it isn't possible, but I don't think we will know that until we learn to communicate. I have know idea what his specific problems are with the marriage. It is all speculation because he is very charming and when he talks he makes you feel like things are getting addressed, but then after you leave the conversation you realize that all you did was talk around things and never really get any answers. I always end up more confused after a conversation. Maybe a healthy relationship with him really isn't possible.

However, I still think about the turmoil that the kids will have to face. Two things I know for sure. I don't want to disrupt their schooling or living situation until I absolutely have to. And I refuse to leave them, even part time, until and unless I absolutely have to. Bottom line--if they live here, I live here!

We currently rent a three bedroom unit from H's employer for $1000/month less then the going rate in this area. If I have to move, my plan is to first move in with my folks to save as much money as possible and pay all of my debts (except my student loan which will take a while), and buy something out by them. Rents by them are the same as out here, but houses are a lot cheaper. That means an hour commute for me and the kids. I don't mind the commute, but for them I would rather not put them through that until I have to.

Now I have another issue that is annoying me. I mentioned that I might be moving to my choir director just to let him know that I might not be around much. I plan to spend more time out of town (at least once the snow melts) and I probably won't be around many weekends. A few members of the choir overheard and figured out it is due to marital issues. They have been kind and supportive although I don't want to discuss it with them. Now this man (who is much older than me) has been annoying me with FB messages offering support and an apartment. When it snows he messages me to see if I got home safe. I ignore as much as possible and I think I am going to just cancel my FB page for a while. I don't use it much. Part of me even wants to just quit choir all together to avoid him. I know there has to be a better more mature way to handle this then to just ignore and blow him off. It is incredibly annoying and when I go to church and choir I want to just be left alone to sing and listen. Now I notice that I get all angry and tense whenever I have to go. I wish I never said anything. I am not close to these people. I am fairly new to the church and choir and while they are all perfectly nice and choir was always enjoyable I don't consider them friends--more like aquaintences, and I am happy with that arrangement. I am not a particularly private person and I don't mind people knowing my business, as long as the respect the boundaries of when I want to talk about it and when I don't. This guy seems to be sniffing around too much and it pisses me off. I'm pretty sure he has ulterior motives and I am not interested in the slightest. This is another reason why I think I should just give up and move out. I don't like living in this town now that people don't think of me as H's wife anymore. I would rather be back in my home town if I am going to have to be a single woman.

Is that all so completely immature of me?