I asked about how his job search was going this morning, and he blew up all over. "I don't need this pressure right now, you should know who I am, I'm doing the best I can, depression is a real thing, I feel like you are so distant."
I asked him to just keep me informed, and talk to me about how he was feeling and approaching this stuff. Some concerns I had over financial implications I'd he didn't start a part time thing somewhere.
"Are you talking to people about this?"
Of course. IC, mom, friends.
"I don't believe you. If you are, then they are going to have to explain this to you."
H, that's not fair. Neither your IC or my IC can explain you and your thoughts and feelings, that's why I am asking you.
"I can't tell you, you should just know me."
I'm going to go shower.
(Spew..No! ."coward")
I need to calm down, too."
----
So that was the first time he ever pursued me or tried to stop me when I got up. That was interesting. I felt bad he was rattled but that was ridiculous.
After I got ready, I simply hugged him and said "I'm here to support you however I can."
His response?
"Z, just promise me you will keep seeing IC/MC."
(This aggravates me on so many levels. She has just signed off on me going out to two weeks or less, told me I am doing great. She is primarily our MC. This is my H putting this all on me, like I am the one that is messed up. I am not struggling anywhere else in my life, he is the one that is swimming in his mental health issues.)
I smiled and said, actually there is an appt for us Mon night.
"I don't want to go. I want you to go."
"I am, but this appointment is for us."
"I don't want to go."
"Well, I hope you change your mind. We need a MC and that was her primary role here. Goodbye." ----
I want a Divorce I think. because I think we are fundamentally not working. H wants to blame his childhood for everything, admits struggling with things on an adult level. Wants to talk about suicide anytime I bring up my feelings - the message is clear enough, he is the only one that has a right to be struggling. He is still one four and one foot out of our M as I suspect he's been at every stage of our R. He doesn't believe I should have ANY expectations of him, whether it be cleaning up after himself or helping to provide and build our lives - tho he puts all his expectations of the kind of person I 'should' be on to me.
I want a partner who is doesn't see himself as a victim of childhood and whatever else bad happened. Someone who isn't governed by fear. Someone who won't threaten our M in the middle of every fight. Someone who doesn't blame me for his feelings or mental health. Someone who knows himself and does more than watch YouTube all day. Someone who wants to have a family. Someone who adores me and has strong communication skills.
I have tried, and he is just stuck, bent on being stuck.
I just don't know what to do. I suppose nothing right now. I want to start wrapping my head around what and when a D looks like though.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
