MON: Arrived in DC. Worked ass off. Visited some friends here for dinner. Discussed the sex topic with them. She indicated a lack of interest after childbirth, but once she got her hormones back to a normal state, she and her H have been doing it almost every night....sigh.
TUES AM: I didn't unpack my suitcase until this morning. Found a nice box with a ribbon on it in my suitcase. My W snuck it in there. I opened it up and nearly fell over. It contained a pair of her panties, scented with my favorite fragrance and a note saying that she can't wait until I come home. This made my tight, travel-weary shoulder muscles completely relax and I immediately had the "full", satisfied sensation one gets after a meal. We're stoking the fire....thank God that W is working on it too. If this pattern remains consistent, I would probably not need to journal on a daily basis, but it really helps me stay focused on the solution.
TUES: Hard day of work. Went out with coworkers, one is in the middle of a D. Told him about this site.
W had trouble with a clue in the scavenger hunt so I helped her find it and I finally got the confirmation email that she had made it to where she was supposed to be last night. What's really nice about this game is that it forces written communication which has a completely different voice. It also forces us to think of each other while alone without talking on the phone or something. So despite the distractions of being a mom this week, every day she will have to think of me in a womanly way. I'm really excited about tonight or tomorrow because her next set of clues lead her to the task of writing me a "steamy" poem. I hope the anticipation is having a similar effect on her as it is me. If it is, then I should probably call the fire department and let them know that our house will be on fire Friday night.
WED: Just another hard day at work. W got books I sent her including the gift cards. I sent Dr. Suess "Oh The Places You Will Go" along with a note that she should read it to our daughter and to herself. I also sent her a book about how to "write" better because she's getting very good and I want her to feel confident in herself that she's good at something other than being a mom.
NOTE TO ALL WHO READ THIS... Consider buying this Dr. Suess book for partner before any self help book...it makes everyone's heart melt and puts you in the right mindset to work on things instead of waiting around.
Had a crappy dinner tonight then hung out at Barnes and Noble and read few books there. A couple were about sex techniques like tantra and something to make orgasms last an hour. The later mentioned someone having an orgasm for 11 hours straight though it was in a science lab, with professionals (professional what? fckers? athletes?). The tantric book was pretty cool because it talked about daily devotion where you simply "connect" (intercourse of course) for about 5-10 minutes. It says to evaluate your relationship after 2 weeks and see how different your connection to your spouse is. That sounds great. I'll wait a while before putting that in front of W, but I might secretly get the 1 hour orgasm book...there appeared to be some good tricks in there.
THURS PM: Just finished another tough day here in DC. W found the final clue and note. We had a wierd exchange though because she thought the game was simply done...she said "that was fun" and I had to say "well, I'm not home yet" and she said "ohhh...now we're on the same page". I'm still trying to figure this out. Did she not understand that the final card was an innuendo for sex when I return? I guess, after doing this a few times, she will associate these activities with "sexual anticipation". She needs to start "thinking" like a sexual person again. Not sure if I'm the one to help though...it would probably irritate her. Maybe a series of games and play will do it.
I know that my latest posts have been "optimistic" sounding, but there is a deep burning inside my stomach that tells me that we aren't out of the weeds at all and that she is going to discover that her desire won't magically reappear despite everything I'm doing. At the very least, she will no longer feel justified by her lack of desire because I'm currently freakin', lovin', romancin', listenin', helpin' fiend right now. The challenge will be for me to keep it up when I'm not getting refueled by her. This effort is like driving your car at 50 mph in 1st gear....it burns fuel very fast.
Actually, this reminds me that traveling is probably good because it gives me a chance to rest. I've discovered so many similarities to physical training for endurance events. It's impossible to keep a consistently high level of effort. You must take breaks...that's when muscles grow. All trainers will tell you that recovery is absolutely critical, otherwise you will get slower and prone to illness and injury. It also takes time to build up to a level of fitness where you can sustain high output for long periods of time.
I hope you folks are reading this. I know it's been sort of boring because my sit is not dramatic right now. Being out of town provides me with a good chance to chill out but I cannot let this effort dwindle.
Quote: I hope you folks are reading this. I know it's been sort of boring because my sit is not dramatic right now. Being out of town provides me with a good chance to chill out but I cannot let this effort dwindle.
Boring? NO way! I love the notes. My H did a scavenger hunt for me once when he was away, it was wonderful. I'd forgoten how fun it can be. Getting to think sexy thoughts and personally about spouse and anticipate home coming is awsome.
High drama is not manditory for interest. Your posts are insightful and interesting to read. It's great to see the little and large steps you are taking, what works and what doesn't, and how they seem to affect your wife. Besides which, I care about you and your minutia, and I suspect/know many others here do as well.
FRI PM:
Got back from DC. The entire scavenger hunt during the week was a build up to this night. It was a planned "session". So W picked me up from the airport and was wearing an outfit to go out on a date to a trendy restaurant. She looked gorgeous and smelled great. D6 was at a sleepover. Despite being exhausted, I too changed clothes and went out. We had a nice time but W was scaring me by constantly talking about how tired she was. I was fearing that she was trying to reset my expectations after an entire week of build-up, poems, and gifts for the family that I ordered the week before. I sometimes think this is an automatic response. My approach is to "seed" thoughts by acknowledging my own accomplishments in overcoming certain feelings.
For example, I was exhausted too, therefore I would not have typically been a good sport about going out but I DID. I also realized that overcoming tiredness is worth it and not that hard. I mentioned to her how glad I was that I overcame my tiredness because I got a second wind. I hope that this was received as a "seed thought" and that she will eventually stop telling herself how tired she is.
Back to the evening. Despite her being tired, then nearly putting me to sleep by taking a bath for a very long time, she got into bed and we had a great LM session after all. Thank G! because I would have gone apesh!t otherwise.
I asked her to try to spend time with me in the morning because our D6 was not home. In the morning there was cuddling but she said that mornings "don't work for her" without a shower and that once she has a shower, she wants to start the day which basically means I will never be with in the morning. I half-heartedly offered to "split the difference" and take a shower together. Her response was that her shower is "sacred"...strike 2. So, I guess that's my life...no showers or LM in the morning. I can understand simply "not feeling like it", but making a universal statement like that really hurt me. Not wanting to badger her, I played along (sort of). Actually, she did say "sure, let's do it" but it was very patronizing and obvious that she didn't want to, so I dropped it. Also, I had just had a night of really great LM so I should just feel glad about that. But as I write this, it reminds me that she is "subconsciously' fighting this idea of greater intimacy. I've done a very good job for the 10 years in our M of not badgering, complaining, or fighting about our SSM and it would probably be counterproductive. I still think consistency is the key because eventually, my "involvement" will not seem like a novelty, just a day-to-day thing. She used to never get any love-languages from me and she got used to nothing but still enjoyed her life...she's the least "needy" and probably the least passionate person in the world. I'm certain that she will start to feel the "warmth" in the relationship as I keep addressing her LLs. She might not feel the onset, but I'm certain she would feel the withdrawal much more. I'm sure I will sound like a total bastard for saying this, but if she barely makes an effort to join me in repairing the R, then it might be nice to have something to withhold. Maybe she will someday feel as vulnerable as I do which will inspire a little bit of change.
I've known women who were very "democrat" become very "republican" because of their husbands. I don't really care what a person's politics are but this indicates to me that a fundamental belief system can be changed. This gives me more hope than a lot of the posts here. Could I simply brainwash W into being more lusty? If so, how? I saw a book about motivating others...maybe this is something to look into. Instead of self-help, I could turn to business books on salesmanship, nlp, and team building. Crazy but possibly effective idea...afterall, we are running a household business.
Sorry folks for rambling a bunch of crap right now. I'm tired.
SAT PM:
This morning, I asked W if she could commit to spending "quality time" tonight in lieu of this morning's aversion. I assured her that it wasn't really for sex, but rather being "close" and "intimate" with sexual cuddling and kissing. She said she couldn't guarantee anything which sort of pissed me off. Tonight, we watched a movie and went to bed. I mentioned that she looked sleepy and her response was..."see, I told you i couldn't guarantee anything". Oh well, it's amazing how 1 night of LM will make you not give a sh!t about anything for a day or two. I went to bed with her anyway because it's my mission to go to bed with her everynight, even if I get back up after she's asleep because I only need about 6.5 hours a night. Now, I'm sitting in the tub writing a bunch of crap.
Another incident which was good...she sort of groped me today in public. Cool. I didn't mention it or act goofy about it. My instinct says that she doesn't need praise for that. She was definitely faking it and I was definitely faking that it was "business-as-usual". I guess I should trust that she knows (to some degree) what behaviors are good and give her room to keep working on it. Maybe someday, she will pretend to really want me bad in public and have me take her home immediately for some LM...that would be so cool.
I think I've got my side of this effort figured out. Here's some guiding principals...
1. Positivity, not problems.
Never talk like there is a problem. Always talk like you are trying to achieve the agreed upon goal for the relationship.
2. Don't Be Stuart Smalley
Women don't dig guys who seem "broken". They want strong protectors who are more worried about the family than their own issues. Don't show how you've become an expert at self-help...show them how you can wrestle an alligator with your bare hands.
3. Master the Love Languages
While doing all of them simultaneously will send you to an early grave, figure out which ones are the best.
4. Self Confidence still Rules
Pick your one of your best strengths, then think about when walking into room. Gals dig the confident guy...it's a primitive instinct.
4. Do a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy While shaving your chest might be an extreme idea , the big picture is that looking your best, and trying to improve yourself makes others feel good. I just read in Esquire that the top 5 turn-off clothes for women are pleated shorts, teva sandals, mock turtlenecks, 4-button suits and something else that I can't remember. I owned and regularily wore 3 of the 5. Actually, I would regularly wear my pleated khaki shorts, with a black mock-t and my tevas...it's practically a uniform where I work.
Good night for now...I've got more on my mind but just need to post this and go (back) to bed.
Well I can't seem to get away from this tonight. I just keep reading. I read tim47s thread about being back with no real change after a year which really bummed me out. It linked to this post by monk which then took me to the Last Resort Tactic .
One of the things that bothers me is Cemar's quoting Dr. Laura. I've always thought she was a freak and my W does too. BUT, that could be used to my advantage if I ever said that "Dr. Laura says that LD women never get their drive back". It might be a challenge to my W to at least do everything to try because my W would want to prove Dr. Laura wrong.
But really, the most significant read had to be the Last Resort Tactic. In some ways this validated some of the things I'm doing in the area of working on myself and making myself become as magnetic as possible. This was a tactic I thought of along time ago when I started considering having an affair...if I can attract strangers, then I should be able to attract my W right? And if W isn't attracted...her loss. I know there are a couple flawed attitudes there so don't kill me. But the other things about trying to "pull" W in versus "drawing" them in is something I need to hear. I'm spending a huge amount of energy trying to get W to change without appearing like I'm doing anything except improving myself. The change I need to make is subtle...I will just avoid dealing with the issues even more and avoid making passive aggressive statements.
This morning, after my W rejected my advance in bed, she asked if her (imaginary) "scorecard's" "minus" column is bigger than the "plus" column. I informed her that I don't keep a scorecard for "her"...that I keep one for the "relationship". This indicates that some of my recent confrontations have put her in the mindset that I'm keeping score. This is something I was afraid of. There's a sense of "adversary". How do I fix this now. I guess I just get better at keeping crap to myself by writing it here. Deal with my own pain. Wait until she is either "drawn" into Dave2.0 or not. Then I start making hard decisions.
My trip to DC was really good because it gave me a break. Usually business travel is stressful, but this time it was a holiday from worrying if I'm executing perfectly at home. Trust me...nobody knows if you fart in your hotel room (except the neighbor if it's a really loud one). Seriously though, I hope I can keep traveling because it helps me keep perspective. This past trip I was much less interested in putting myself in front of women but I still caught myself giving the "flirty eye" to women. This is probably more for practice than anything else. I did feel less interested in "scoring" with any of them. I'm back to simply enjoying the "vibes" that come from flirting.
In monk's post, I saw an idea where one person gets counseling without the other. That seems fairly "last resort" too because my W would assume I'm just dealing with my own issues, that I was "broken", then she wouldn't be attracted anymore. If she was completely "gone", it would be much easier, but there seems to be just enough desire that I should really stick to non-invasive self-repair.
I hate sounding hopeless, especially after a night of very good sex. I also hope there are lots of success stories that never came to this site but whose situation was identical to ours because I've only seen a couple stories...most of which required a separation. Maybe some couples just address this with a more upbeat approach to therapy like using the "Great American Sex Diet" which I bought in DC (on sale!). Looks cute, but not sure when / if to drop it on W. It advocates 28 days of uninhibited intimacy. Looks much better (therapeutically) than my 52 nights scratch-off cards. Darn. What's funny is that books like these and the "technique" ones usually have the exact same message as SSM, but in 3 pages. Maybe some LDWs would prefer to simply get a quick overview, then work through the "fun" solutions without feeling so overwhelmed with the repetitive "points" in SSM. Don't get me wrong though, SSM was perfect for letting me show my LDW how I was feeling.
