Gogofo - Learning to go dark

[gogofo]

Yesterday went pretty good. Moved a couple more things to my house and am getting ready to clear everything out this weekend, do some grocery shopping, and move in.

STBXW and OM are texting really frequently and exchanging "love you". I saw a message from OM flash on her phone.

It set me off, not as bad as before, but it set me off. She could tell and asked if something was bothering me. I really wanted to unload on her and call her out and berate her and verbally attack her. I held all that in and said "Yes a lot of things are bothering me about this, I just don't know what I should or should not say." Not really a complete STFU, but I didn't get worse with my actions.

I went and watched the end of a basketball game with my friends for an hour and or so.

When I came back I was giving the W a pretty big cold shoulder. One word answers and the like. I am assuming it was the first time that I have gotten to true LRT or going dark. I say this because she was getting more into chatting me up and trying to talk to me. I just didn't feel like it.

I laid in bed thinking about how she is choosing to get a D and chase this OM who has a history of seeking out other women when married, etc. I heard a lot about him before, about how he may have been having an affair with another woman where my W and him work. I know it was an EA for sure. He is definitely good at what he does. Makes me sick and angry, but each time I confront the feelings it hurts less and less and lets me know more about how my STBXW is acting.

The part that hurts the most is the betrayal, dishonesty, and deceit. I don't know if it would be better if she was open and honest with it, but the secrecy about it and her lying to me is something that I thought she would never do. She even told me on numerous occasions that she would kill me and bury me in a pit if I ever cheated on her, and she was fairly serious about it. Wonder what she feels about herself... oh wait she justifies her actions.

I will be out of the house this weekend and will try to focus on building myself and my life up to higher levels. I need the head space and clarity of not being in the same house with her to detach and look at the situation without emotion and see her for who she is right now.