Gooood question labug. Thanks for pushing my thinking.
It's not rocket science. Fear probably fuels that. It's comes from the same place as all my other control issues.
I've been thinking about how to re frame the way I see him in my mind. He is losing so much more than me in this situation. And someday, when our D asks us what happened, I won't show anger but I also won't lie. He will have to find a way to explain it to her and live with it.
I do think he has "looked back" and probably questioned his decisions. But his own stubbornness (i.e. fear) prevents him from believing in positive change. That's sad. He's been described by friends and family as "grumpy", "not the most open with his feelings (that was from a guy friend!), even his family says he can be difficult.
We all have our own stuff to work on. But I can choose to imagine a future with a partner who sees my value, who appreciates me, and who s willing to be a true, intimate partner. My H is, IMO, too emotionally immature to really offer that. But that's not true of all men. Now that I am healthier and love myself, I won't be as fearful of opening myself up to someone else. And I won't settle for someone who can't be vulnerable and supportive, too.
It's not rocket science. Fear probably fuels that. It's comes from the same place as all my other control issues.
Claire, I think a lot of us are operating out of fear, at least initially. I certainly was. I think I've done a lot to address those fears, and in the process become less controlling. People on this board (including labug) have asked the right questions and when I think through and answer them, I come out better off. My IC has also been helpful. She has made me explain exactly what's going to happen if..... for instance, when I was so resistant to H moving out, she made me verbalize the ways my kids lives would be different. Turns out, not all that much. But it seemed like a huge thing in my head, until she forced me to say it.
What fears do you have Claire? Have you named them to yourself?
Well, labug... that is the big question, isn't it! Not sure there is an easy answer but definitely an important one to mull over. I will say that in the last year or so, there is a moment nearly every single day when I notice that I am NOT anxious about not having control over something (my D's schedule, or the subway, or something at wirkm)
It feels very freeing to just let things be..to take a breath and let myself solve the problem without freaking out.
And... the times I still DO get anxious nearly always have to do with my H (getting my D ready to be picked up by H, for example).
What am I still afraid of? Ugh. Though I am much closer to letting that go. In the last couple of days I've realized that in our entire 8 years together I felt such a void in our R-- a lack of emotional intimacy, not feeling truly cherished. I almost feel like I never really knew him. I think that divorce is for the best at this point. He is not right for me.
So why am I still angry that he walked out on me? WWhy can't I imagine being "friends" with him after we D?
Went off on a tangent there.
Back to stubborness... Well, I guess not being stubborn would mean that, even though this divorce was not my idea, I can be ok with it and not feel any anger or hurt about it.
H spent the evening here with D instead of taking her to his place because the roads were in bad shape due to storm.
When he arrived, friends were finishing up a fun playdate. Kids were adorable, it felt so normal.
Things got a bit awkward after the others left-- he can't even seem to bring himself to speak to me. I stayed mostly in my room while he made her dinner, though I did speak to him warmly/jokingly about it (must have been a bit awkward for him to rifle through my fridge and have to cook our D dinner in my home while I was there. I gave him a great compliment on his ability to look in a strange fridge and find some ingredients and make it delicious. (he is a great cook).
Why am I fighting the urge to send him an email that says, "A night like tonight makes me realize that I still don't understand why you are choosing this life. I am beautiful, intelligent, caring, a great mom and a great person. We have the potential to be a great team. That you don't value me--and the commitment you made to me-- enough to be willing to work on our marriage says so much more about you than me."
Can't sleep and can't turn off thoughts in my head of how confusing and painful this is. I keep imagining myself confronting him to ask why. Why was he unwilling to try? What would be the downside of choosing to believe that we could possibly fall in love again?
I try to think of a happy future without him and I imagine being a part time mom--missing big chunks of my D's life because she is at her dad's house. And I want to scream at him and tell him to F off.
It's so late and I need to sleep and I just can't seem to turn these thoughts off. I know I need to take control of my thoughts and get these negative thoughts out. But right now, when it's late and dark and quiet... I am having so much trouble doing that.
My triggers today: a stressful day at work... plus my difficult parents pressuring me to take a vacation with them that will be difficult to plan, plus an email from WAH with details about upcoming vacations he has planned.
Claire, honey, you are letting the why's keep you from moving on to the fabulous life that's waiting for you. If you knew why, would anything change? My D17 has a chronic autoimmune disease. I don't know why. My H left me. I don't know why. Over the years I've had friends die of cancer, accidents, suicide. I don't know why. And knowing why won't cure my D17, won't restore my M, won't reverse accidents. Claire you have to find a way to get unstuck. The why is not important. You are important. Too important to be stuck.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I can relate to wanting to know. I struggled with it for awhile as you know.
I can only reinforce what RPP said. It won't change what is happening. I don't believe your H will have a magic awakening from answering those questions (I had hoped it would when I was in your shoes).
You are both so right. And we had another (pretty bad) interaction today -- I was sick and it was snowing like crazy and needed his help) that sort of solidified the fact that there will be no good answer to the question of "why". And that we teach people how to treat us. .. just as their actions show us how to treat them.
Today was rough because I had expectations (feeling sick will do that).
Gotta drop the expectations.
Also saw that he hasn't changed much at all-- still difficult for him to see someone else's perspective, still so defensive and hyper sensitive about being pegged as the "bad guy".
He implied after our exchange today that I somehow make him feel guilty for requesting schedule changes. Well, I don't "make" anyone feel anything. So he projects onto me. He told me his mother tells him that he takes on too much and he should change the schedule more to meet his own needs... but he tells her no, because it "wouldn't be fair to" me.
So writes his own narrative in his head. I cannot control that. He does not want to (or cannot) work on himself and that is not my issue. He is a bit of a narcissist, and his family feeds that.
His mom thinks he is struggling with his life as a "divorced" dad? Maybe she could have advocated for our marriage. No one seems to want him to live with the consequences of his choices, and I'm seen as evil or selfish or difficult? Even though I do the great majority of childcare??
