Susana (7) - Like a big pizza pie

[susana4]

Oh man, it was hatred central here this morning. So glad H has gone on his ski trip until Monday, it will give me plenty of time to process my feelings, punch some pillows, etc.

It took everything in me not to show him any anger this morning. Everything he did made me angry. And he wasn't even doing anything "wrong", it just all made me mad.

I asked him if he still wanted to go for pizza next week and when (I'm a busy gal and my schedule's starting to fill up) and he hemmed and hawed "oh but I don't know if I'll have the money, I'm meeting N [his former boss] for dinner and my brother's coming. Maybe we shouldn't go. Oh but the pizza is cheap. Ok let's go actually." I wanted to punch him.

I gave him a car magazine I picked up at the grocery store I thought he might want to read on the plane (I bought myself a magazine as a treat so thought I'd get him a treat too) and he acted like I'd given him a bar of gold. He was giddy with excitement and gave me a huge hug. A freaking magazine. I wanted to punch him.

He asked me to help carry his ski crap outside with him when he left for the plane. He didn't even thank me, and he gave me a hug and goodbye almost as an afterthought. I wanted to punch him.


Ok so I've done a little punching of the pillows (thanks Toots!) and now I'm sitting with my feelings (thanks Z!) and thinking about why I feel this way, I'll follow with a primal scream later.

I think I am p!ssed off that H is acting so nonchalant. It seems weird because it's like the more we get along the more angry I get, but I think it makes sense because it has to do with him acting so carefree and casual. I get why *I* am acting carefree and happy, but why him? It's like he doesn't give a sh!t about our M at all. I know it's going to sound weird but a part of me almost wishes that there were some spew (I know if it came down to it I'd regret that though) just because then I could go "well, he's angry and resentful and can't get past that". But nothing? Just makes it feel to me like our M means so little to him he doesn't have to give it a second thought, just tossed it away and doesn't think a thing of it. Now logically, I know this might not be true - I have no idea what's going on in his head and it's possible his head is full of anger, resentment and/or confusion, and I can't assume it means little to him. But that's certainly how it makes me feel.

Add to that I am PMSing (yeah not good for the anger front!) and exhausted. DBing is hard work! I feel like I have to always be "on"- have to look good, smell good, keep up the PMA, be mysterious... Last night I wanted nothing more than to come home, get in my pyjamas, have a cup of tea and a bar of chocolate and relax (really, I wanted a cuddle more than anything but obviously knew *that* was never going to happen!). Instead I was trying to be all mysterious and stay in the sexy clothes, and eventually I just gave in and put on the comfy pyjamas and curled up on the sofa. I can't be on all the time. It was just too much.

And then, I don't know if it's down to the resentment and frustration or what - but I started to doubt my 180s earlier. H gave me so little information about what upset him, and I can't tell if he's reacting to my 180s (I don't know how to tell if he is, because he doesn't say anything - and my DB coach said to watch for behaviours not words but I don't know what behaviours I'm looking for arghhh), that I don't even know if I'm addressing the underlying issues or not. Then I ended up thinking in a circle and forced myself to stop but that's still in the back of my head. Are there some underlying issues i'm missing? Am I addressing the right things with my 180s?

H's ski trip could not have come at a better time, and I thank my lucky stars for that. I can hit my pillows to my heart's content. And hopefully be in a better frame of mind come Monday.

I am *really* happy I was able to go last night and this morning without saying or doing something I'd regret, and keep my anger and resentment in check. I think this is a huge testament to DBing and all you great folks on this site that have helped me get to this point. Thank you DB friends!!