Thurs Bedtime. Note to Corri: I meant to clarify earlier that she was done with the kitchen yesterday...hence my motivation for the Spa certificate...so she had no reason to feel weird about watching TV, she actually had looked forward to it and was bummed that I had conf call cut into it). When I mentioned her desire to take on another project, I meant that she wants to do the bathroom for another week. You know, while some of this might be what I call "get-everything-perfect" procrastination on her part, I sort of get it. It might be like her doing a 180 to make the house feel new. Maybe a new environment is a stimulus to renew other aspects. Just a thought.
Something I need to repeat to everyone reading this. I was completely emotionally "gone" last year with work and fitness being my passion. This new years, W told ME that she wanted to get her desire back and simply be more physical. This 1 statement drew me back into the relationship because it gave me hope. It then allowed me to open my heart up again and thus be vulnerable and having little practice with these emotions over the past 10 years, I'm making some goofy missteps. But this list has saved me from some big blunders too. What still concerns me is that despite her willingness and initiative, she has rarely ever been able to make lasting changes like exercise programs and diets.
Today was a much better despite the "staring contests" we kept getting into. Sort of her attempt to reinforce the fact that I shouldn't get mental because she doesn't hold eye contact as long as I want. I got a very good passionate kiss tonight. We briefly discussed if my motivation has anything to due with a terminally ill parent who will be lucky to make it through this summer. I think to some degree, it does because this parent told me to take advantage of being young-bodied and to have fun now when you're healthy. There's also the fact that I'm going to really need some expressions of love when the day comes and nurturing the R back into shape before a death is like nesting before a birth. Hmmm...not sure what to think about that. Maybe just sharing my fears will be deposit in the bank...who knows.
One of the metaphors that keeps coming to mind has to do with a sports concept (especially in Cycling) known as "base miles". These are workouts that are just simple, unspecific efforts which don't immediately reveal results. Coaches call this "making a deposit in the bank" for withdrawal later. On the opposite end, a big effort will make you sore, build muscle, speed etc. but it only lasts a few days. Doing base miles makes it easier to do the big efforts and recover quickly. Balancing the two types of effort is ideal. My efforts yesterday where fairly big while all the other things were "base". I consciously knew not to expect anything in return yesterday, but I also wasn't expecting pure frigidity. I think building "base miles" in the relationship with a consistent regimen of little things will eventually pay off. It will also make the big gestures not put me in such a vulnerable position and also make them not seem so contrived.
