I seriously can't believe what a roller coaster I am on right now. It's almost like I am breaking out of something, but BAM, I get hit hard and fast.
I literally was in the car w d14 and was all over the map w emotions. I was in tears one second (this is the time I am happy for iphones as her face was buried). Then I was feeling so angry- I think that's what the tears are about- not sadness- anger. Then, she played a song and was like, here, you like this! It was one of her songs, but silly and fun. We were being silly and dancing in the car. I turned the corner and was at the stop sign and realized I had freaking tears again!
Smokes! It is the craziest thing ever! I am becoming aware of specific things which I am dealing with. These are some MAJOR tasks to take on. I am not sure how I am going to climb Mt. Everest of my "issues".
Another thing, which is separate from these monumental "issues" is that I have realized over the past few days I have been thinking more and more about my inlaws. My fil, who has been very ill recently has been on my mind. I know both my inlaws have lots to do w xh's inability to deal... the reason he has to deal... the mlc... and more. MIL has done a 180 since childhood. I knew her then and she and xh have a decent r now. The don't see each other often, but I do know that she comes from an sincere place now. She is not one to voice anything though. After xh left hww, mil cried and told xh that she knew he wasn't happy and she was glad he left. But she didn't say anything before that. I also believe xh avoided all his family except occasionally his one b, which is prob the only person on earth he trusts (outside of me).
ANyway.. Fil cheated... xh caught him. FIL abandoned xh- IN COURT! FIL was told by judge (xh was like 14 and didn't get along w ow... ow called police on xh... after she moved in with fil and xh.. they lived together after xh caught fil cheating) Judge said to make a choice- xh or ow. XH was going to be sent to a boy's home in NYC. FIL walked out. Said he wouldn't choose. Abandoned xh- right there.
MIL finally stepped in and stopped it. Took him in. But really.. xh ended up on his own at that point. He cried to his dad after that day and begged him to take him in. FIL chose ow.
OW has now passed away. (We paid for the services).
FIL always belittled her and talked badly about her to his sons. It was his way. But still... he chose her. I am realizing how that must have made xh feel. He chose her but had nothing good to say about her. And she was a priority. FIL was heard to be talking trash about us to family bc we "made it". We were married, had a nice home, great kids, worked hard... yadda... FIL only hated on it. Never once said anything like, "I'm proud of you." "Good job." Nothing. Took advantage of us. Would take things... money and such.
Wow... I'm getting it out there... there is much more.. but I'm cuttin loose!
But, he would come around here and there. I haven't heard from FIL in quite some time. Now he is not doing well. XH, during his brief stint around here, RUSHED to the hospital to tell his dad he forgave him. Now, he says he doesn't know what is going on with his health bc he doesn't have time. So... as much as he tried to reconnect w us... he did so w his dad, too. Then, right when he "redumped" us, he redumped his dad.
I wonder if I should go see his dad. I was always very kind to him and got along with him fine. I held lots of animosity towards him bc of how he treated my h.. and my kids. But, I always took the high road w his family. I was actually the one who saw to it that they got together (won't do that again- with whomever). I don't know. I mean, it is the weirdest feeling. I may never see him again.
I was part of that family for 20 years. I got along with everyone in the family. It's a big one... xh is one of 7 with 30 something grandkids and ?? great grand kids now. Xh and I were the matriarch and patriarch... seems weird at our age.. but we were the only ones married in the fam for a long time. Married the longest. Organized (and paid) for most of the gatherings.
It's just weird. Sad. I just feel like maybe I should say good bye. It makes me so sad saying that, but that's what it is. They won't keep in contact with me. I haven't heard from any of them since before bd a year and a half ago. ( Except for bil whom xh is close with- I am also very close w. He is amazing and I love his fam... I'm also Godmother to his d. They live 8 hrs away).
It's a weird sitch. His fami is not used to marriage and all that. Cheating happened. They looked to us... and it makes me so sad that they see this fall apart. His nieces... when I think about it... it makes me sad bc I know they looked at us as family role models. Now hww is THEIR age or YOUNGER!
OK, just more stuff to process. Man, am I a mess or what? I am crying my eyes out as I type this. It's probably so lame, but at 37 years old and 20 years with this person (and family) I just don't know much else.
One thing I realized I was angry about (and needs FOCUS) is my anger at him for taking ME. I feel gone. I always laughed. I don't anymore. Not really. Not real. And that freaks me out.
