I thought everything was okay....(Part 4)

[MCS]

V,

Thanks for the kind words.

So, I've regressed in my own emotional standing right now because during our session, W threw stuff my way that was assessed by her to such an extreme that it is now bothering me that this is what she believes for herself. I know its not true, but this re-writing history seems to be that W seems to keep searching for something to believe for herself to about me to justify her actions.

Anyway, that was a short time during our session and I see that I'm breaking the cycle of angrily reacting to the spew. W knows how to get to me and that's through telling me that I never cared for her. I didn't take the bait in full-out defense mode, but I changed my reaction to constructively try to address why 'she' feels this way. At that point, the spew was directed to everyone else, her mom, my mom, her BFF's.

Reason I'm highlighting this again is that it's hurt my detachment. Just as I was coming to grips that this is truly the decision that W wants, I saw all of the pain that she is creating for herself by shutting out the others around her and then creating scenarios in her head that they don't care about her. She told me this is to protect herself and I guess I see that this is not just with me, but everyone. She's in pain and it seems she doesn't know how to get out. It's so difficult to sit back and watch it happening. I need to fight the urge to 'help'

So, I went back and read my post and I actually think the session was good. When I said it was heated; it was more closer to emotionally heated. W was throwing things my way of how I knew, but didn't care that our M was falling apart. I asked her how she 'knew' that I knew and she just stared at me and said "well, it doesn't matter anyway I was already done with the M for over a year" or "I told your mom" or "I put on an act to show you I actually cared"

It was rough to just take it, but it showed me the pain that she's in. I didn't get angry, I validated and when she through total re-writes of history I said I don't remember it that way. I sometimes explained how I saw the marriage and she either said that "it didn't matter she was going to do this anyway" or "I don't believe that you cared"

I can say, I'm getting to the point that I'm starting to forgive the past, as painful as it seems looking back at how deceptive she was. I'm starting to see her emotional state right now and feel so much compassion for her that I'm starting to put the present aside. We discussed the kids at first and seemed to make a lot of strides in both agreeing that we need to focus on them. I slipped and said something like "we need to figure out if they are going to stay in 'their' house for....." and she fired back "they have two homes now." I apologized and said that wasn't my intention to state it that way. She said okay, and we moved on.

V, I'm tiptoeing on this line of 'softening' and 'loving' her with what my IC says is my 'Hero' archetype. My IC said through all of this, she just sees the passion that I have to 'make it all better' not via control per se, but out of love and concern. She doesn't know how I'm keeping it together through all of the hurt (even intentional) that W has put me through. Someone said its because my self-esteem is low, but its because its actually the opposite.

So, I see that's what I need to learn. How do I 'love' someone and sit on the sideline as I see them struggling. I thought I had this licked with detachment, but I see that the emotional strain is back again (not nearly as much or deep as before) Even putting W aside, I feel the same need to 'rescue' my kids from this sitch.

Sitting back and watching is the toughest thing in the world.

For kiddos, V I see the bond that we have created through this. S5 has a card for me everyday that he made in school saying he loves me. D4 will just come up to me pull me down real close and whisper in my ear "Daddy, I love you" I need to heed your advice and remove discussions from daycare about the sitch. Its tough, because without interacting with W at all; most info comes through them, at W's request. I don't know how to stop that.

V, I'm in a much better place than a couple months ago. Many other's around me have said about my growth throughout the sitch. I don't feel it personally, but I know its happening.

In all of this, I pray that even though I want to know the path up an over the mountain, all I need to understand is the next step and I have faith that the plan is already in the works. I don't know what that looks like, but I feel that this session we had was that next step. There's a reason that she showed me the pain that's still with her this far into our sitch even though she doesn't want me to see it. That's the step. I was detaching and getting cold; I need to detach and still care. Not sure how, that'll be my next step.

Thanks for hanging in there with me