Okay...this is a start. I'll work with you, but I will NOT deny you the dignity of doing the heavy lifting. You do need to work on this some more...maybe 2, 3, 4, or 6 more drafts before you get the "green light" to send it.
Put on your Wonka hat and borrow my glittery pink Sharpie pen here. Which sections would you change and improve? Which sections would you jettison altogether?
Hints:
-Less of "I" -Watch out for judgmental tone -Do not draw W's attention on the negatives -Whittle it down to 2 paragraphs -STFU and KISS
You do need to work on this some more...maybe 2, 3, 4, or 6 more drafts before you get the "green light" to send it.